Kane & Feels: Paranormal Investigators
Technology
Kane and Feels crack the case. Elsewere, things come to a head.
Why do I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness? Why did the spiders come for me? Why do i feel I’ve done this before? Why is she wearing a victorian maid outfit? Why did no one appreciate her cooking?
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The cast in order of Appearance:
Jack Fitzpatrick – Lucifer Kane
Oliver Morris – Brutus Feels
Ali Cambell – Jeanine
Beth Eyre – The Thornbush Princess
Greg Lass – Bossman
George Ofori Addo – Riz
Sarah Golding – Chippie
Mean Mark Waylett – The Yawning Man
Viviana Padiglia – Libertina
Umnia El Neil – Ishani
Dave Pickering – Councilman Grace
Written by Jack FItzpatrick and Oliver Morris
Directed by Jude Hodgeson Hann
Composition by Oliver Morris
Sound design was by Jude Hodgson Hann and Oliver Morris and
Kane and Feels is a Skadi’s Symphony Production.
Content Warning:
Drug Use, including alcohol and marijuana.
Peril.
Gruseome Death/Gore
Self Mutilation/Self Harm
Food Reference
Loud Noises
Coersion
Depictions of Witchcraft.
Themes of Post Traumatic Stress.
Kane and Feels is a Skadi’s Symphony Production.
TRANSCRIPT BELOW
—
Kane: We require a vessel of larger capacity.
Feels: You really didn’t want to say that movie quote there did you
Kane: I stood outside thinking about how not to say that for a while.
Feels: Uh huh.Why do we need to ‘Roy Schneider’?
Kane: Because we’ve been correct multiple times! It’s a lot of the things we think it is.
Feels: Ok, well… why has none of it worked.
Kane: That I don’t know. But there’s a ritual, there’s a drawn sigil. There are people and objects and components.
Feels: Twomy St. Dunstan is… a spell?
Kane: And we need to finish casting it.
Feels: That sounds like… that sounds.. yeah. That’s sounds.
Narrator: Kane and Feels: Daytrippers – Episode 5 – WHY?
Jeneane: Grilled bloaters.
Jeneane: Break off the head. Split open the backs and remove the roes and backbone. Toss roes in a little hot margarine or drippings in a small pan until golden brown. Heat grill, grease the griddle and place the fish on, with its insides to the heather. When browned, turnover and grill the backs. Serve very hot with the roes. When Timothy returns from work he screams. The man has no ambition. He doesn’t even comment on the beautiful golden brown of Samantha’s skin .
Feels: So we’ve gone too fast: We’re trying to solve the case, but we need to arrange the evidence?
Kane: Events, people, patterns. There is a lot. I need to try to work out what the spell is for. Is there anything we’ve not discussed?
Feels: I’ve been meaning to say, the fact we’ve been experiencing multiple segments of everything makes police work VERY difficult
[Both gumshoes share a sad chuckle]
Kane: I am sorry.
Feels: For once Lucy, this isn’t your fault.
Thornbush: The light came at 8pm, but it wasn’t the same. It was more like lightning, like a purple crack in the sky, ripping it in half. It stayed for a full on minute. Adam was fascinated. He stood up to see further into the horizon. I told him it wasn’t normally like that. He said maybe it was a oil rig? Or a windfarm… and I said I didn’t know if they were in this part of the country. I didn’t give it a second thought as he leaned. He said, if it is, maybe something is wrong? Like maybe the normal light is a test and this is an alarm. I thought about it. He … he fell. He didn’t scream, he just hit the cobblestones. Face first. The fall wasn’t far enough to pulverise him, but there was an audible crack as his neck hit the pavement. I didn’t weep. I didn’t scream. I watched him, for a second. He wasn’t moving. I stared at the purple light, still there. Pulsing. I knew what to do. I went through the party, the music, the noise, no one had noticed. I went down the two flights of stairs. I told the fast food girl that I had a headache and I was going home early. I walked out the front door. I held his wrist and I dragged him. Dragged him to the hedgerow. I saw the men I’d done this to before. 10, 15, 20 so many poor prince charmings with me as their princess. Only now, the heart wept. The Thornbush Princess.
KANE: What is this town? What is this town? What spell. London is a masonic spell. It draws the tree of life. It draws a pyramid. The Hawksmoor Churches seem to indicate that it’s a stabilizing spell for the authorities. The Royal Corporation for the city of London uses merlinic dragonic magic that I don’t think works. Washington DC is similar, but it’s a nervous spell. An anxious spell. What spell is Twomy St. Dunstan?
FEELS: I don’t know spells. I know a few charms, I know how to reload them. Kane is crouched on the arcade. The esplanade
Feels: I love the word esplanade
Kane: Same, esplanade. Esplanade.
Feels: What you up to?
Kane: I’m looking at the ordnance survey. To see the sigil shape. Does that look like a Norse protection rune to you?
Feels: That looks like a slip road from A338.
Kane: Yes it is one of those. Beans.
[GOD NOISE]
Kane: Oh damnit
Feels: What was that?
Kane: Not sure. We’ve heard it? Before?
Feels: Definitely. Probably?
Kane: Oh
Feels: Mm
Kane: What does it mean?
Feels: [Beat] I normally ask you that?
Kane: Hm
Feels: hmm
Kane: hmm
Feels: hm
Bossman: You’ve been ducking me Riz
Riz: Have I?
Bossman: I mean not here, on Iranon. I’m constantly PM-ing and IM-ing you dude.
Riz: ohhh
Bossman: I’m Nyarlathotep44 on there man, you need to hit me up. I want to introduce you to some stuff. Stream soon, yeah?
RIZ: I did stream. And I got an invite. To a part of iranon called the rl’yeh… riley? Rah-hey? Dunno. It had the bush guy. Nub-shibboth, turns out he was just moved to the ‘not advertising friendly’ section. That’s a strange attitude I guess, but when I was younger I used to be on chan style image boards, not a lot can shock me. There are games here too. Someone’s streaming a simulcast speedrun of the old horror fog games, which is fun. The PM buzzes. Nyarlathotep44 says come to the chat. I enter. Something… something horrible is happening. The purple pink light from my face cam blares across. A young man with a frozen grin pulls hair from his head. I close the link, and I try to sleep.
RIZ: I keep having a nightmare in which the fibre optics-the spiders are here, their heads are isp addresses, the spiders made the web, cannibalized it and they feed on the pain. The spiders are here.
Bossman: Hey Riz. Let me cut you off. That doesn’t happen here. Let me send you a password.
RIZ: Before I know it I’m back in my own room at my own I get a PM, Nyarlathotep44 says: fhtagn. It means dream. It means the sea. It means, stream for the private chat. I obey. I play yellow sign, 2 thousand people in the chat. Emotes and stickers that hurt my eyes. I get a fourteen times two combo on level one. Yeah…
RIZ: I’m back at work, the office. I’m playing yellow sign at my desk.
Bossman: We’re very happy with your work on the fhtagn project. You’re going to be lead project manager from now on.
Riz: Thank you.
Bossman: See how easy it is with Iranon?
Feels: Charms.
Kane: Hmmm?
Feels: Do you think you need charms?
Kane: I need a map. And a pair of glasses.
Feels: Candles? Do we need candles.
Kane: Candles… Candles seem appropriate.
Feels: Not for the chip shop.
Kane: Ooh. Large cod.
Feels: Ok.
FEELS: Kane doesn’t normally eat fish but I’m rolling with it. It’s a Friday anyways. I walk past the fence post that takes you from road to town. I look down at the purple silk scarf over my shoulders. The lilies grow strong here. Men place shoes up on the tables of the shops. A lone voice sings a lament from the second-hand shop.
Feels: Yo,
Chippie: oh
Feels: Oh, okay, What’s that, yo
Chippie: A light hit you
Feels: Can I have a large cod and chips?
Chippie: *Laughs*
Feels: Large cod a/nd chips
Chippie: What you doing with your hands there son, have you ever seen a cod in your life that big?
Feels: I’ve never seen a cod
Chippie: /kay, don’t/
Feels: I’ve never seen a cod unless it’s been battered already.
Chippie: Well… you should be so lucky to see one that big
Feels: So, in that case a-a medium cod, and chips, and ummmm…
Chippie: What?
Feels: uhhh savloy and chips
Chippie: What did you just call me?
Feels: no, no, I – to eat.
Chippie: d’you know I think you better leave
Feels: the savloy, the red, dyknow like, the red like, sausage/ thing
Chippie: Oh no we don’t do them. No.
Feels: oh
Chippie: no, there was an insertion problem a few years ago. Didn’t go well.
Feels: Oh. Oh gosh, what do I have instead? I don’t want mushy peas. I really don’t want mushy peas.
Chippie: No, I wouldn’t. I know where they’ve been.
Feels: I’m gonna leave, this went all wrong. I’m gonna try again. I’m sorry.
Chippie: Oh hullo Londoner, enjoying the holiday?
Feels: Very much so, can I have a large cod and chips and a… bum badum bum bum… I’ll ahve another go… saveloy and chips.
Chippie: Do awahdo. Linen or paper?
Feels: Linen? No, paper please.
Chippie: Paper coming up. All obituaries.
Feels: Linen? Linen?
Chippie: Oh the clocks have stopped. Here you go love.
FEELS: A row of black clad procession followers move to the head of the cathedral. Oh.
Feels: There isn’t a Cathedral in Twomy St. Dunstans. Linen. Lilies. Purple. Linen. Scarf? …Oh bloody hell.
Jeneane: MEAT
Brains.Fried.
Soak the brains well in warm salted water until they are quite clean. Then drop them in boiling salted water and boil for 2 minutes. Take up carefully and drain well. When cool, flour, egg and breadcrumb them, and fry in a deep vat until brown. Drain. And serve with gravy.
Grilled tomatoes are an excellent addition.
[Tinkling bell]
Jeneane: Ooh! That must be the regional manager!
Feels: Kane.
Kane: Feels.
Feels: It’s a funeral.
Kane: IT’S. A. FUNERAL! You’re a genius!
The Yawning Man:
I am the yawning man.
I am the sleepless man.
I stand on guard. Yeah
With tongs in hand.
Oh, Dyovil.
Such emnity
leads slowly
To strange affection.
Decades of conflict,
Is Decades of contact:
Two sides of silvered shilling.
I remember what I saw.
Your broken, beaten form,
‘Please’ you said
‘Please,
One kind mercy for an old enemy’
Your hooves, were cracked, aching, worn down and beaten.
Millenia since the fall, where souls were sear’d with hot coals,
Gnarling and deforming, and never a moment’s rest.
And I felt my feet twinge in old leather shoes.
Blister’d and callous’d as age comes to hunt me.
And so I take my Iron nails
And cast them into temp’ring fire
I pull your hoof up to my knee
And take a hammer from the pyre
And CLANG!
In agony you wail
And Clang!
The vitriol you spit
And Clang! and Clang!
Hot nails driven
Clang to Hoof and Clang! to Shoe.
And when the ordeal finally ended
You turned, and curious, asked me why.
And I told you
‘”He hath made a remembrance of his wonderful works, being a merciful and gracious Lord: He hath given food to them that fear Him.”
And with that I GRABBED MY TONGS
AND LED YOU HISSING FROM MY FORGE
AND CAST YOU OUT UPON THINE ARSE
AND BELLOWED OATHS AND GAVE MY WORD:
“YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN THIS LAND,
YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN THIS PARISH.
WHILE I HAVE MY TONGS IN HAND
WHILE I AM THE SLEEPLESS MAN
While I am the yawning man.”
Feels: Its… a funeral!
Kane: Hahahah! we’ve nailed it, that noise. That bloody noise is not stopping us! Hahaha
Feels: Hahahah! That noise, is the bell ringing! This is our wake!
Kane: NO! NO! The wake… the wake is after… we need the vigil.
Feels: Vigil. Yep. Is… is it catholic?
Kane: I don’t… I… I’m sure we’ll know when we’ve gone wrong.
Libertina: You would.
Feels: Oh look it’s that thing.
Kane: THE HELL IS THAT THING?
Feels: Shush, she’s fine.
Libertina: *laughs* You would.
KANE: Some simulacrum of a Victorian maid girl is next to me. Wearing some sort of pinafore dirndl. Skin like a doll. Black vapour pouring from the cracks in her face.
Feels: Oh for the whole time… you’ve being wearing like… a like… mourning dress?
Libertina: Like. …Like…. like…. like
FEELS: Kind of expected her to disappear but she just brushed past us and walked down the road. Sort of skipping.
Feels: That was…
Kane: Cute.
Feels: Yeah.
Kane: OK, Ok, it’s a funeral. The town is a spiritual funeral spell… who’s dead?
Feels: Do they die? The ones over there?
Kane: Not in a way we can understand. If it was science, I think it would be… wholly … dimensional?
Feels: You’re using science?
Kane: Trying to.
Feels: Also cute, explain.
Kane: Like there are dimensions to science, isn’t it? Like we live in the third dimension because we’re objects in space? And the fourth … dimension is… space?
Feels: This is like 1950s BBC sci-fi
Kane: Ergh, I hate this. But it’s a good analogy. I’m not going all Arthur C. Clarke, but the gods would die in a um … 5th dimensional space?
Feels: Made of… magic
Kane: MADE OF MAGIC. Thank you that feels better.
Feels: So it’s dead, but it’s dying slowly.
Kane: That noise we keep hearing is the death throes. Or a literal death knell
[a moment of silence]
Feels: Damnit I thought it would happen there
Kane: Yeah, yeah same, would be a bit convenient damn… OK. Ok. So. Whose dying?
Feels: One of them on the other side. Totally. It feels the same as that scar voice.
Kane: Scar from the inside… yes you’re right.
Feels: I wish I had a charm for that
Kane: Oooh, we could make that, I’d make a sigil for demonic detection and run it through the seeing stone filter I have notes on…
Feels: Not right now.
Kane: Oh
Feels: Stop. mmhm.
Kane: Fair. It’s, so is it dying here?
Feels: Its dying out there, in the sea.
Kane: Yes! The light! Indeed! It’s dying…
Kane and Feels: Every night at two minutes to eight.
Feels: Wild
Thornbush: My work done, my curse placed. My tower ivory, my love defaced. The blood sucked, the bush supped, the king saddened, the crown forged in lead. The purple glow hung longer now. My little Camelot. My little Ragnarok, if I am a shield maiden. I know where I must go. Hopefully no prince will find me there. For both our sake.
RIZ: I log on for the evening. Now that I know that Nyarlathotep44 is someone I really know then it doesn’t seem so scary. I think. I tap my microphone. I adjust my facecam. And I hit live. Riz: Hey everyone. What are we doing?
Bossman: We’re watching. You’re doing.
Riz: I don’t understand
Bossman: This is the streaming service. Iranon. The service is watching you get help.
Riz: Help?
Bossman: We’ve told you. The pain is the cleanse. You’re not just doing this for you Riz, You’re doing this for all of us
Riz: >Heavy breathing< So… what … what do I do?
Bossman: You open the letter I gave you this morning.
RIZ: I open it, there is a payslip, making about as much as I do for six months. Taxed in a different bracket. Approved and already in my account. Money… that I cpuld live on. But the envelope is heavy. Heavier than the paper, heavier than it was when I was given it this morning it seems, but that can’t be true. No. Under the payslip is a straight open faced razor. Pearlescent handle.
Bossman: Do you see the private tab? I’m going to switch off my stream audio, when I leave the chat, hit the tab and tick the live feature. I’ve collected you quite the audience here Riz. Hold the razor and you’ll know what to do next.
RIZ: Nyarlathotep44 has left the room. I hold out the razor, I stare into my reflection in the darkness, just the pale blue of the screen illuminating my face. My PM window buzzed again: Nyarlathotep44: it’ll be fine. The razor knows what to do. Join the live tab. I click. I make sure my audio is synced with… a clap.
RIZ: 38 thousand, 2 hundred and 12 people are watching this livestream. The first in the public tab in the Iranon streaming service. Number one on the chart. I begin to sweat. This is the big time. I hold the razor. It’s no different from the tiger suit. This isn’t me. This is the most popular streamer on Iranon. And I know what the razor wants. The first slice sends the chat spiralling. Scrolling so fast user names are blinking with happy little stickers, happy little emotes. The pain isn’t even there … I’m worried about my facecam. it’s focused on the post behind me now, like a rack zoom. Heh. Ok, lets set that back up. I feel bad so I make the next one a big one. The chat hollers into a supernova. Kadath says: Cleansed. Alhazred12932 says: Cleansed. JosephCurwen3 says: Cleansed.
Cleansed Cleansed Cleansed Cleansed Cleansed Cleansed Cleansed Cleansed Cleansed
An Iranon admin appears, Called Teloth113, and Nyarlathotep44 welcomes them. They offer me a premium channel. A premium place to display my ‘art.’ Teloth113 tells me that it has a call button to call my followers to me. And I should never staunch the wound. I so proud. I’m so proud
The chittering spiders come down their fibre optic webs and cocoon me. I am so proud.
Ishani: WHAT IS WITH ALL THE NOISE. RIZ. RIZ. I’m coming in. OH MY GAWD.
Riz: Cleansed.
Grace: Well, that settles it. Jeaneane, this is quite the best meal I have ever had.
Jeneane: Ohohoho Mr. Grace, you’re too kind!
Grace: I’m serious! The soup was delicious, that salad was very enticing, and the oranges. How long did they take to make
Jeneane: Oh not too long. A day and a half
Grace: Wow, your commitment to culinary excellence is astounding. But I must ask… will Timothy and Samantha not be joining us for dinner?
Jeanene: Oh but they have
[Grace does a goofy double take and they share a hearty laugh]
Grace: You know, I’m glad you finally found a use for Old Tim’s brain. As far as I can tell he’s never used it at work.
Jeneane: Oh stop it.
Grace: Well, now that’s over. Join me tonight.
Jeneane: That’s rather forward Mr. Grace,
Grace: Enough, (with his last spark of charm) – My darling Jeneane, you should not be out of the spotlight a single second longer.
Libertina; You would…… youuuuu wouuuuld….. you woullld…mhmhmhmhmmahahahahaha… you wouuuuld…. you would.
Kane: Hm. They’re waiting for us.
Feels: Mhm.
Kane: I suppose we’re the priests?
Feels: I normally expect that to be you. But, the owner of The Balti King is going to sail us.
Bramlock: I’m going to sail you boys out. We need to get this done.
Kane: And that’s why you’re a priest now too, Brute.
Hana: What does that make me?
Kane: Ah! Hello Hana.
Feels: I imagine that makes you more important than both of us.
Hana: Ha. Weird. Ok. Let’s do the ritual
Kane: I think it’s a funeral.
Hana: Oh, That is worse.
Feels: I know right. Hate them.
Kane: Oh I like funerals.
Feels and Hana: Not surprising.
Kane: Shall we… sail?
Feels: Disembark? Set off? Do this thing? ohhhhhhhhh this is very scary isn’t it.
FEELS: For the first time in my life, in our professional career. He grasped my hand, and squeezed it tight. We stepped onto the boat.
Narrator:
You’ve been listening to Kane and Feels: Daytrippers, the cast in order of appearance was
Jack Fitzpatrick
Oliver Morris
Ali Cambell
Beth Eyre
Greg Lass
George Ofori Addo
Sarah Golding
Mean Mark Waylett
Viviana Padiglia
Umnia El Neil
And
Dave Pickering
The show was written by Jack Fitzpatrick and Oliver Morris,
With direction by Jude Hodgson Hann,
Sound design by Jude Hodgson Hann and Oliver Morris
And composition by Oliver Morris
Now that you’ve heard a stream of names, why not hunt us all down on social media using our various internet handles? chief of which is Kane and Feels all lower case no spaces which can be used to find our Twitter, tumblr, Instagram, gmail, patreon, WordPress, transcripts and all the other heaps of joy we’ve vomited unprompted onto the World Wide Web. Our Patreon is very fun – so join us there!
Also we love seeing your pictures, theories, and key smashes about Kane and Feels so keep doing that and we’ll be back soon for the finale. Which is on a boat. Is that a spoiler? Nah… And finally, to play us out – Daniel Johnson and the Back end mumblers with ‘Goodbye Binmen’
(Well boys, it’s time for one last ride)
Well I’m hanging up my spurs
Seems like theres no more for me to do
Your refuse has been collected
Which means my Contract is through
And Ill I got to show For it
Is a set of spurs and a dusty old horse
Or is it a bigger thing, like a tankard or something
Goodbye, Binmen, Goodbye
(Look like i gotta hang up my spurs)
(Oh Dearie Me)
Goodbye, Binmen, Goodbye
(Betsy you been a trusty horse to me these years)
(Yes you have)
Goodbye, Binmen, Goodbye
(Time for you to go round the back of the shed)
(What?)
Goodbye, Binmen, Goodbye
(bang)
(WHAT?!)
They gone shot my horse!
(Shot my Horse!)
Now what am I gonna ride on?
(Ride On)
When I collect your rubbish
(Rubbish!)
I guess I’m gonna have to find
some other occupation.
Or I’m gonna throw into the back
(Into the back)
of the truck
and let it crush me
(Oh no oh yes Oh well!)
Sounds like a way better Idea
Sounds like a way better Idea
Sounds like a solid solution to me
Sounds like a solid suggestion to me
(Goodbye, Cowboy Binmen)
Goodbye, Cowboy, Goodbye
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