125: How to Relate When They Come Home From College
A podcast listener recently contacted me for some relationship advice. She asked, “Our son, who just started his freshman year of college, is coming home for the weekend, and I wonder if you have any suggestions for how my husband and I should relate to him?” I do. It's to apply the ORA principle. Observe. Remember. Act
I know some of the rest of you are facing this same issue now, or have already dealt with it, or may soon face it in the next 2 to 18 years. It’s a relationship issue where we can apply the ORA principle. Observe - Remember - Act.
ObserveLet’s start with Observe. To our listener, I would ask, what have you observed about your son that makes him enjoy life? What things bring him joy when he’s with your family? What are the things you think he looks forward to?
Are there things he dreads? You know, this is the question we’ve been asking in the past several episodes.
Most importantly, Observe what’s going on within YOU. Do you see any tendency you may have to use your son to meet your emotional needs? If you’re still grieving his leaving home, don’t do it in front of him.
RememberI would also figuratively scratch your head to try and remember what it was like when YOU came home from college for the first time.
Based on what you have observed about your son. And what you remember what it was like for you when you came home from college, take some kind of action
So what about the rest of us who don’t have children in college. Yet. Some day you might, and it’s not too early to prepare for that possibility. If I had young kids at home, even toddlers, I would develop my observation skills about my kids.
Pay attention to their love language, discover what makes them tick. Help them to move from one stage of childhood to the next level. The skills you develop doing this will come in handy when they leave and then return home from college. Or from their factory job from another part of the country. Or from the military.
If you don’t have any children, or If you’re past this stage of life and your kids have all left home, think about your friends in the throes of launching their children into the world. Reach out to them. Ask how they’re dealing with this new chapter in their life.
And please listen to episode 69, “When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time,” especially if you have friends with children heading to kindergarten or off to college.
The main point from today’s episodeHere’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode:
Apply the ORA principle in your relationships with your kids returning home from college. Observe. Observe what’s going on inside of you, and the emotions you feel when your child comes home for the weekend. Remember. Remember what it was like for you when you were away from home for a while, and then returned. Remind yourself to treat him like an adult. Act. Ask him what he wants to do or not do. Let him call the shots, not you.
I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes.
I’d love to hear any other relationship questions you may have. Just send them my way, and we’ll tackle them together.
Related episodes you may want to listen to069: When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time
Four episodes that address in more detail the ORA principle:
88: Get Them to Say "Thank You for Asking"
89: How to Be a Better Observer of People
93: Remembering Deepens Our Relationships
96: Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships
In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.
I hope today’s show stimulated your thinking about how you can apply the ORA principle with your young adult children or any relationship for that matter. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationship with them.Because after all, You Were Made for This.
Well, that’s all for today.
I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.
You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills. If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.
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