Parker: I’m Recovering From an Eating Disorder, But There’s A Lot That’s Not Recovered
Parker bravely shares her journey with an eating disorder that started at the age of six. She reveals how her struggle with controlling her body became intertwined with her identity, making it difficult to imagine life without it. With honesty and vulnerability, Parker unpacks her experience as an addict, comparing her behavior to that of a heroin addict. Her story sheds light on the complexities of eating disorders, the impact they have on a person's well-being, and the importance of seeking help and support. Tune in to this episode of the Secret Life Podcast to gain insight and understanding on this critical issue affecting millions worldwide.
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SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:
addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.
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TRANSCRIPT
[0:00:00] Parker: So I eat these Quest bars, you know, and sometimes it's like, that'll be pretty much all I eat in a day. And then while I do it, I get on Instagram and I go to like, Search, and then it's just food. And I watch layer cakes, cupcakes, donuts, pizza. And then I'm just thinking about the binge. Just like thinking about it.
[0:00:24] Parker: Shh. Shh.
[0:00:26] Brianne: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis.
[0:01:07] Parker: Gantt.
[0:01:07] Brianne: Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave.
[0:01:16] Parker: Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. Today. My guest is Parker. Parker, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?
[0:01:33] Parker: My secret is that I have an eating disorder. And I know that sounds like, yes, you and everyone else on the planet. And it's not so much that no one knows that I have eating disorders, but the secret is more, that all this shit that I'm still doing, because my story is that I'm recovered. But the truth is, there's a lot that's not recovered.
[0:02:00] Parker: So when did this secret first start? When did you start going through those eating disorder situation when you were younger?
[0:02:09] Parker: Well, okay, so I starved for the first time when I was six, and that wasn't necessary. And that wasn't necessarily about wanting to be thin. That didn't happen until nine. But six was more. My mom was mentally ill and she had my baby sister at home. And I really felt unsafe with them being at home by themselves. I was like, she can't do it. I need to be there. So I was in first grade and I realized, oh, if I don't eat my lunch, I will start to feel really sick, like I have the flu. And then I can go to the principal. I can go to the principal's office and say I feel sick and I can go home. And then I can make sure that my mom and my sister are okay. So that was sort of the first time that used the tool of starving to serve me. And then a couple of years later, I remember being in the car with my mom and seeing this girl jogging, and she was like, really tan. I'm really not tan.
[0:03:10] Parker: And she had thighs that were thin but also very muscly and very defined. And my thighs are just creamy white and they're just soft. And I just remember looking at her thighs and then looking down at my spreading thigh life spread over the car seat. And I was like, no, this is not acceptable. And honestly, I'm in my still feel the same way about my thighs.
[0:03:39] Parker: Did anybody say anything ever about your thighs? Or is it just something you have always felt?
[0:03:46] Parker: It's more just something I've always felt. I was an early bloomer, so I've never been overweight. But I was definitely big. I was like one of the tallest kids. And I had big feet. And I had a lot of girlfriends who were like little, and they were like a size one. And I wore like a size nine. So I always felt very big in space. And also my mom is obese, and she's been obese my whole life. So just having that as a woman and a girl having and she hates her body life. I never saw her naked. Like so much shame. Doesn't want her picture taken. So I think I got a lot of that hardwiring of just like even though I know intellectually that I am not big, I feel big. And a lot of times too, that's what I see.
[0:04:37] Parker: So it's life, even to this day. I'll say crazy shit to my husband, and he'll be like, I'll see someone and I'll be like, do my legs look like hers? And he's like, honey, you're like half the size of that. But I literally don't see it. I'm not trying to be an asshole. That's not what I see.
[0:04:52] Parker: No. I have had an eating disorder too, so I complete in high school. So I remember until I got so thin. And everybody used to tell me how great I looked. And so I got a little thinner. And then it wasn't so good looking anymore. And people started telling me that, and I would just think they were jealous or something. But I remember specifically someone took a picture of me, and I saw the picture, and I saw what they saw. And my eyes didn't see the same thing. It's life, this distortion or something.
[0:05:29] Parker: Yeah. And honestly, that's part of my disorder too. And that's something that's still a thing. Because it's like I'll look in and I have this weird thing. Like, if it's a new mirror, somehow magically, it's like a thin mirror. So I'll go to Cheesecake Factory and I'll be like, damn, bitch. All right, we're getting cake. But then if I'm home and it's my regular old mirror, I'm like, no. Oh, boy. Now what are we going to do? Get out the sweats, cover it up. And I forget where I was going with that.
[0:05:59] Parker: But it's okay because I have a question. You withheld food from yourself instead of life. Binging.
[0:06:07] Parker: Oh, no, I do that, too.
[0:06:09] Parker: So it was a combination of both.
[0:06:10] Parker: Yeah. It's a lot of control and over exercising life. I never actually threw up, but I think one of the tricky things and how I can still carry it today is I'm very good at looking like I have my shit together. I was never £80. I was never £800. I would go to twelve step meetings that are about I've gone to food programs for years and I did all the stuff and I read all the books and I had a sponsor and I sponsored, and the entire time I was lying. Like, not all the time. Not about everything.
[0:06:48] Brianne: Like what?
[0:06:49] Parker: Give me some examples.
[0:06:51] Parker: Okay, so in these programs, they talk about being abstinent and sometimes, and that just means life. It's individual, it's whatever that thing is for you. For some people, it's no sugar. For some people, it's no binging. For some people, it's three meals a day with nothing in between. And I mean, it's been so long, I can't even tell you what my abstinence was. That it's like, I would have it and then I would lose it and I wouldn't say anything. And part of it was because I was getting away with it. And I would go to these meetings and people would say things to me like, what are you doing? Because I looked normal. I was like a size. I wasn't big, I wasn't small. And so to them, they would look to me like I had the answer. And the whole time I'm thinking like, this is a life. And that's tied into the anorexia too, right?
[0:07:37] Parker: Because it's life. Even when you are teeny tiny, and even in that microsecond that you might actually be feeling it too, your head's going, you're a fucking liar. This is a fucking sham. Do you know how fucking hungry I am right now? And I'm doing all this so I can look like this for you and I can't even own it because it's not even real. Because I know the moment I eat a pizza or eat a sandwich, it's all done anyways. It's just giant illusion. Yeah.
[0:08:06] Parker: And for me, it was all just about the one thing. I can control life. I can control my body. No one can stop me from controlling it. And I remember my parents one time wanting me to drink a milkshake. And I was life. I am not drinking a milkshake. That's disgusting. Which today I'll drink a milkshake. I love a good milkshake, right? Anyways, and then if I drank the milkshake, I would then beat myself up about it in my head, right?
[0:08:34] Parker: Or be so afraid. And for me, I think part of why I still do what I do and I want to get into what I do.
[0:08:43] Parker: Yes.
[0:08:43] Parker: Because it's gnarly. But a part of it is the disorders are so wrapped up into my identity that I'm literally like, I don't know who I would be without this. Every once in a while, I will dare myself to just dream about what if I had freedom from food obsession? What if I didn't spend? And these are the days that I'm not worrying about a job or my kid or my husband or somebody being sick or life the bigger stuff. If I don't have that stuff to obsess about, then this is where I go. The default is food. What did you eat? What didn't you eat? When can you eat again? Did you eat too much? I still track calories like a fucking weirdo on my calculator app and I'll go into the next day. So it's like you're 600 negative for Life Tuesday and it's Sunday. But I'll keep track of it because somehow in my head I'm like, I'm going to catch up.
[0:09:43] Parker: So is that some of the stuff you're still doing today?
[0:09:46] Parker: Yeah.
[0:09:47] Parker: That's the secret you're holding?
[0:09:48] Parker: Yeah. Well, I just want to backtrack, really. So I did all the lying within the program and I think part of a lot of times because I do believe eating disorders are an addiction. That's just what I believe and that's why I fully qualify as an addict is I never really hit a bottom. And so I actually ended up leaving my whole life and went back to my parents house. And coincidentally, my sister was living in my parents basement and she is a drug addict. And so she had just gotten back from rehab, she had no job, she had no car, like nothing. So she's hit her bottom. She's in the basement life doing her thing, and she was counting days. And so I would drive her to her A meetings, but then subsequently I'm one level above in the living room and something about the move, because this wasn't a conscious decision on my point on my part, like, I'm going to leave my life and kind of put myself in rehab. But that's kind of what happened. So I'm at my parents house. I have no job, I have no health insurance, I have no money. And I remember for six weeks I sat on my parents couch and I just ate, which I'd never let myself do before. It was like, I'm going to binge, but then I'm going to starve and then I'm going to go to the gym.
[0:11:12] Parker: And it was like this life and all these meds to the antidepressants that would make me speedy and they would make me be able to eat even more because it would raise up my metabolism. So then I'm taking the downers so I can go to sleep, but those aren't working. So then I'm driving to 711 at 03:00 A.m.. It was so crazy.
[0:11:30] Parker: Yeah. That's everything you just said a heroin addict could say and it would be the same exact description.
[0:11:39] Parker: Yeah. And I would be driving around on all those downers that were supposed to make me sleep. I'm driving my car, like going like, I need to get ice cream. So when I went home and I just ate and I remember I even like, I got a really expensive gym membership and I would like, go to the gym and I'd try to get on the elliptical. And I'd be like, no. And I would go back home and.
[0:12:03] Parker: Being on the elliptical.
[0:12:07] Parker: And I was like, the bitch. She was like 05:00 a.m in the middle of winter, like doing running her 5 miles because I wanted to be able to eat that day, right? I want to eat, but I had to earn it. So I went home and just sat on the couch and I hit a bottom. And it was like the best thing I could have ever done for myself. And so I did that. I just ate for probably like a good month and a half. And then one day I went on a weird internet date with some random guy and he took me to a Tori Amos concert. And I'm obsessed with her. And it was like I've seen her life so many times. And so I'm watching her and I've just had this moment. And I really believe this was life from God, like direct channel. I just looked at her performing and this voice said to me, do you see that greatness up there? You have that too, life. You have all that in you.
[0:13:01] Parker: And aren't you so tired of hating yourself? And literally in that moment, it was a gift. And I've never gone back to that same place. And so my secret that I'm sharing with you, because that's the story I tell. And it's true that I've never gone back to that place. But really, sometimes the only difference between that and now is that I don't judge myself in the same way. And I don't get scared that because if anyone's listening that has eating disorders, first of all, I love you. Second of all, for me, I had to create a life that I wanted to show up for. So that was the other difference. It was 2005. Like, I didn't like my job. I didn't life my apartment. I didn't like where I was living. I had sort of set up a life for myself that I didn't want to show up for. So it's like, of course you're going to and call in sick and life and do all the shit you were doing.
[0:14:06] Parker: And now today I have a life that I want to show up for. First of all, the level of fantasy. So I still binge there. There's my secret. I binge and I don't even know it's probably once every couple of months. And it's very secret. And the first crazy part is just the level of fantasy that I do. I mean, it's like when people talk about suicidal ideation, I feel like I do that with binging.
[0:14:41] Parker: If I'm feeling you plan your meals, what you're going to get. You go on Yelp and you look like, OOH, I'm going to go to that place and get that.
[0:14:48] Parker: Yeah, well, here's another thing this ties back. This is another disordered thing that I still do. So when I was really anorexic, I used to eat my diet yogurt with like the two tablespoons of grape nuts and I'd put a ton of salt in it because the salt would give it more flavor.
[0:15:03] Parker: That sounds so gross. I'm sure every listener is going, what?
[0:15:08] Parker: I ate everything with salt. I used to cut pears and dip them into kosher salt, like every bite. And I think it was just because my body wanted flavor so badly and it was like that was all that I would give to myself. So somehow that was maximizing it. So anyways, I would eat this diet yogurt and I would look at food magazines and I would look at Life ribeyes and baked potatoes and I would literally pretend that that's what I was eating while I was eating the same 90 calorie key lime pie bullshit nutrisweet yogurt. Right? So I still do that. So now today my thing is Quest bars. I'm obsessed with Quest bars. And this is part of my disordered eating too, is I get into these right now it's summer, so it's like it's all about salads and then winter it's all about soup. Yes, but I do this weird fucked up shit with my soup too. So it's like not even soup, it's kind of like stuffing. And I bake it with like egg whites because I want volume, I want to eat a lot. It's like whatever I'm eating, it has to be like a lot of it. I eat these Quest bars and sometimes that'll be pretty much all I eat in a day.
[0:16:23] Parker: But I have this ritual where I get the bars. It's always the same kind. It's always I eat the one first and the second 1 second. And then while I do it, I get on Instagram and I go to Search and then it's just food. And I watch layer cakes, cupcakes donuts, pizza and so. And then I'm just thinking about the binge. Just like thinking about it and planning it and it's very complicated because I want to do it where it's like I don't have to work that day, I don't have to work the next day. I need life two days to do it properly. Which is really hard when you're married and you have a kid. So it's like I'm trying to be like, don't you guys want to go on a camping trip without me? It feels like this is the one thing that I truly look forward to. Which how sad is that? Because of course, you know, I mean from I'm assuming you've binged before.
[0:17:18] Parker: Oh yeah.
[0:17:19] Parker: Okay. So you know. Right? So it's like the first whatever, probably ten minutes is kind of amazing. And then you're like, I feel sick.
[0:17:26] Parker: Yeah, it's life. The first couple of bites, and then the rest of it kind of I remember I used to want to eat it really fast so that my mind couldn't stop me, I guess, is what I remember a long time ago. But yeah, it was only those first couple of bites for me.
[0:17:46] Parker: And then you're like, it stops tasting good. It stops tasting good. And then your mouth starts to hurt, and then your stomach starts to hurt. And I'll literally go to, like, I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I don't throw up. It's like I just don't want to throwing up is not a thing for me. I keep it. Yeah, but it's just so interesting. It's like, what is that definitely when I'm mid binge or definitely when I'm in the after part when you just feel kind of comatose? One of the thoughts that always comes up for me is like, honey, you can take a break. There's this lead up when it's like, I've made the decision and I'm off to the races and it's happening. That it's like, in those moments, I don't see you could have just taken.
[0:18:38] Parker: A bath or just had one slice of the pizza or two or three and not enough.
[0:18:45] Parker: Right.
[0:18:46] Parker: Why do we always have to let.
[0:18:48] Parker: Yourself extreme or let yourself lay in bed and watch Netflix all day? Because that's what I'm doing. And that's really I don't want to say where all the pleasure comes from, but a lot of it, a lot of it is like, I want an excuse to lie in bed all day.
[0:19:01] Parker: But here's my other thing for you that I don't think we're hitting on, okay? There's something inside that just doesn't allow us or people or you to just be to be where you are, to be present. And instead, we eat, we instagram swipe, we compare and despair to other people to get out of ourselves. So my question for you, I'm just going to jump to how do you move forward?
[0:19:31] Parker: Okay?
[0:19:32] Parker: And my question for you, where's the pause button before you do those things? Before you put that whole pizza or layered cake? So where's that pause and go? Why? Because for me, the moments I go, why do I want to do this so bad right now? And why am I obsessively thinking about this thing? Something else deeper is going on. What is that? And for me, it's usually fear. It's usually sadness. It's usually all those abandonment sometimes, right. So for you, how do you move forward?
[0:20:15] Parker: Well, I know what works for me, and it's really simple. It's just reaching out. And I'm really lucky that I have a husband who is also a compulsive overeater. We actually met in the program, and it's really beautiful because I've seen him struggle. He's seen me struggle. And we have this really beautiful. Very like it's unsaid because we both understand to our core that there's nothing that you can say to that person in that moment when they're in their disease.
[0:20:47] Parker: Totally.
[0:20:49] Parker: But I've said to him many times, and he'll do it to me, too, I'll be like, I am done. I'm done eating for the day. Or I'll say, I want to binge and this is what I want to do. And then we just talk about it. And like, nine times out of ten, that pause is enough.
[0:21:07] Parker: And you just have to be good enough with that. There's no perfection. And we just do the best we can and we show up for our life. And I think that's lovely that you have a partner that you can have that communication with.
[0:21:22] Parker: Yeah, it's really special. It's really special because I feel like normies people that don't have eating disorders, like bless them, they don't get it.
[0:21:32] Parker: No, you can't get it. No, you can't get it. And people that have had eating disorders or still going through it, now, you are not alone. And the problem is you're probably going to have it the rest of your life. So you have to manage it or it will kill you. We don't think it's as deadly as drugs or alcohol or that kind of addiction, but it will kill you because you're taking your body through this thing that is not healthy.
[0:22:04] Parker: Yeah. And especially if you're like me, it's just it progresses. I've noticed the more I do it, the more it's like, I'm eating it faster, I'm doing it more. Because I didn't used to do that. I was the savor and I would savor it, and now I'm just like I can really see it's. Like, I just so badly want to numb out. I just want to numb out.
[0:22:29] Parker: Well, thank you for sharing your secret with us.
[0:22:32] Parker: You're welcome.
[0:22:33] Parker: Thank you for listening to Secret Life podcast. If you have a past secret that you've already gone through and you're on the other side, or a present secret you're still living with, please reach out to me and message me below or email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Thanks again. Until next time you.
[0:22:57] Brianne: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note@secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.
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