Tim Smith's (Fence) Cover Up — Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2023
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G'day Fearmongers —
Thanks to the 300 or so of you who came out the the show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival — it was such a great vibe.
Gabbi Bolt
Sami Shah
Grace Tame
Lewis Hobba
Nats What I Reckon
Vidya Rajan
Lewis Hobba
and me (Dan Ilic)
DJ Andy McClelland
We cover the great gamete of crucial topics — Gwyneth Paltrow, Murdoch's Minions, U2, Donal Trump, AI, Cops, and we interview the owners of the house that Tim Smith ran into. They were so traumatised by the event that they want to get rid of the famous temporary fence they put in place whilst waiting for Tim Smith to pay the bills.
You may have already seen on social media.already that we made a fancy sketch, and am auctioning it off on eBay with proceeds going to the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre — it's already up to $3500!
If you chip-in on Patreon — THANKS for supporting A Rational Fear — your support meant we could pay for that Chappaquiddick Fence sketch, and for it to be framed too. It's an expensive sketch!
We also used a chunk of the Patreon money to pay for sponsorship on Triple R radio to advertise the Melbourne show, and another chunk of it to pay for a poster campaign.
It's times like this that an extra chunk of money really helps off set the Ludicrous expenses of running a festival show like this.
Thanks so much for your support! If you'd like to pay a little bit chip in here:
https://www.patreon.com/ARationalFear
🤑 CHIP IN TO OUR PATREON https://www.patreon.com/ARationalFear
📨 SUBSCRIBE TO OUR EMAIL LIST: http://www.arationalfear.com/
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This podcast is supported in part by Australian ethical.
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I'm recording my end of irrational fear. On the lands of the Kulin nation, sovereignty was never ceded. We need a treaty. Let's start the show.
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The following programme contains medium coarse language and traces of nuts. A rational fear recommends listening by immature audiences. Comedians experts sloughing at the world as it burns down around from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. This is a rational fear
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after losing the Aston by election Dutton blames labour for running a negative campaign. Critics say that's pot calling kettle black I say that start calling potato tuber. And Dan Andrews takes a secret trip to China. He was curious to visit the only other place that had more lockdowns than Melbourne. And the Tetris movie has been released review say it's got a lot of good lines the second of April 2023 Live for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival this is a rational
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This is a rational fear.
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Yes, welcome to irrational fear. I'm your host former member for Aston Dan Ilic. Welcome to the show at the live at the Melbourne International Comedy fest. This of course is the podcast that laughs in the face of fear. And tonight's episode has fewer Nazis the Liberal Party, which is a joke, I thought I wouldn't have to write in 2023. But here we are. Welcome to irrational fear has too many guests, or that's what it was called. But Alice Fraser we realised actually has a show on it at the same time. So now it's a rational fear has an appropriate amount of guests. A rational number of rational number of guests. So let's meet our fear mongers for tonight. Out of all the comedians on the panel. He's the only one that's had death threats from the Taliban and quite frankly, I'm jealous. It's semi Shah. Semi now that the Taliban are back in power, do you think they're going to be a bit more chill about you?
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I was very offended that they didn't remember me at all. Like I worked so hard to stay on the hit list and fucking no one cares. No one cares.
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And she's back at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival with her sophomore show odd sock which plays at 7pm at the butterfly club next door so if you'll have too much tonight, they might have to bolt as in do the Gabby bolts Gabby mode everyone. Gabby, are you worried that your name is going to become a verb you know doing the Gabby bolt?
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I mean, I would prefer that than being known for being a Sky News reporter. You know if we can secede, Andrew that'd be awesome. I don't care if it's a verb we can be whatever you want.
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should point out as well. Sammy told me backstage, his show starts at 650. So he's gonna have to do the Gabi bolt as well at some point, so don't try to take it personally, Louis, when you're doing your sips
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fucking kill you sound fair. It's me and the Taliban together at last.
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And our next guest is back for her second ever stand up comedy appearance since she did her first one last year on this stage. She's had more TV comedy appearances than the host of Australia's best comedy podcast. It's great shame. Grace, do you have any tips for Louis and I on how to get more TV spots?
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Well, it helps if you make people laugh.
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He's very king of Internet content. But tonight, we've given him an unlimited number of fucks to give. It's the beautiful brain and that's what I reckon that has his swearing ever held you back in life
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for him? Yes.
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And holding this show together with wacky clips and a shaker the hip since DJ Andy McClelland. And he What Why do you look so hungover today?
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I'm doing far too many shows. And I've quit drinking. It's hell.
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And coming up later, we've got an exclusive interview with the owners of the house that Tim Smith crashed into. It's true. Well, we'll ask them. How is that not the worst thing Tim Smith has ever done. Now normally, I do like a long rant or something about climate change. But we didn't have time plus the safeguard mechanism got passed. So climate change has been solved. So that's great. We, we no longer have to know about climate change. It's all over. It's great. We did it. Well done everyone.
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Do we just wrap up the podcast and get out of here earlier
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we'd get out of here. But this is one thing I do want to say two weeks ago led by a British antagonist Posie Parker and a handful of anti trans activists and what could only be described as a skidmark and skinheads that were in the street trying to bully and intimidate people against extensively being themselves. But on Friday, Melbourne, celebrate trans visibility day 3000 of you marched in The rain so good.
Oh my god and it really made all 12 of Melbourne's Nazis furious. In fact, I think three of them quit so now they're down to nine there is one image that caught my eye I wanted to share with you one poster I saw which I absolutely loved and we'll get on with the rest of the show. It is this ring and ring and Rosie get fuck Posey. So whoever made that sign, well done to you. Now, let's crack on with the show with some overseas news from Sammy Shah.
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So yeah, I just want to cover some of the big news stories happening this week. So the top story internationally right now, let's start with the most American news story ever.
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Donald Trump has become the first former US president to face criminal prosecution. The charges relate to falsifying business records to hide a payment to a porn star stormy Daniels before the 2016 election, that should
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come with a Star Spangled Banner playing in the background. Good rock should be announcing that story from the top of the Statue of Liberty while an oil rich nation is being invaded on false grounds. It is so American just saying the phrase Donald Trump is facing criminal charges for paying hush money to a porn star should qualify you for a green card automatically. That is amazing stuff. Republicans have of course rushed to defend Donald Trump even before they've seen the charges he's being indicted on. That said from day one, this is a political stunt. I have zero trust that this will play out fairly.
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But no one has seen the evidence. Prosecutors have uncovered Mr. President, though that didn't stop one congressman to claim the prosecutor could have indicted the ham sandwiches. He was hanging out on Capitol Hill.
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So I know how to spot a pile of garbage. And this thing looks like a pile of garbage, even without seeing the evidence here certainly is innocent.
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I'm not certain of anything except this. This is the first time in the history of the country. We've indicted the president. So
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he was literally handing out ham sandwiches with indict this written on this written on them, which is both condemning the prosecution of Donald Trump and his understanding of metaphors. Now irrational fear is of course, as you know, a truly journalistic venture, and Dan is known for being unbiased in his reportage. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for most American news media. So here are all the left wing news channels failing to hide their erections. Here's the aroused MSNBC.
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What a time to be alive, my
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friend. Really what a time to be alive. Here's the tumescent CNN
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are going to be glued, leaning forward to our television sets on Tuesday. If all of this unravels as it looks like it is
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here, the Bucky nipples of
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CBS, but I thought maybe would never come. I used to think I was a matter of it came. I didn't know it feel this good.
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And finally, here's the view on ABC in America, which is like the project here in Australia, but somehow even more unwatchable.
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I call it did you feel
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really is a celebration of the law. It's a celebration of the law and how it applies to all of us. Donald Trump finally won a popular vote yesterday.
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The judge that that presided over that case where the Trump family was found guilty is the same judge presiding over Donald Trump's 30 cows.
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watching the show made me want to suddenly root for Trump is very strange. Meanwhile, Fox News The GOP have swung into Trump's defence doing for him. The health stories done best fundraiser trying
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to destroy Donald Trump because they fear him at the ballot box to the Conservatives out there. Make sure you vote. If you got friends, make sure they vote if you don't have any friends, go make some friends. But you need to help this. Friend, they're trying to drain him dry. He spent more money on lawyers than most people spend on campaigns. They're trying to bleed him dry. Donald J trump.com. Go tonight, give the president some money to fight this.
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Look on a serious note though, I am sceptical that this will actually lead to Trump's prosecution, but it will mean a lot of ratings for a lot of news channels and a lot of money in a lot of pockets, which is a grotesque abuse of the justice system. And if you agree with me go to patreon.com/sammy Sha and donate money so I can keep covering this story
we have one more story. This one is about AI so oh artificial intelligence technology has already become quite commonly used in everything from spell checking to image editing to transcription services and students too lazy to write their own fucking essays. Chat GPT, for example, debuted at the end of last year, it has already become the number one AI tool used by journalists to provide a shocking twist to all their coverage. What you just
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heard me reading wasn't written by me it was written by artificial intelligence chat GPT
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chat GPT wrote everything I just said that was news copy. I asked chat GPT to write
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remember what I said earlier, but chat GPT as well. I asked chat GBT to write that line for me.
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Basically, every journalist became like an M Night Shyamalan movie for some reason there as well, it seems like tech industry leaders are once again sounding the warning bell about AI and the threat that it poses.
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Musk and hundreds of influential names including Apple co founder Steve Wozniak, are calling for a pause and experiments saying AI poses a dramatic risk to society unless there's proper oversight.
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Those tech billionaires who have long argued for lack of oversight on offshore tax havens are probably worried about AI learning to become billionaires itself. Here is the human billionaire. Apparently Elon Musk,
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I think we need to regulate AI, frankly, because it is I think, actually a bigger risk to society than cars or planes or, or medicine.
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But he just say medicine is a risk to society. And God's only risk when that Tesla's that kill people and then explode. How is that?
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In their new letter tech industry leaders pose these existential questions? Should we develop non human minds that might eventually outnumber outsmart obsolete and replace us? Should we risk loss of control of our civilization?
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Why do all the tech billionaires concerned about AI sound like Pauline Hanson is concerned about immigrants coming to Australia? Really weird overlap. So far, it sounds like AI could do exactly the same thing as Facebook and Twitter and Instagram.
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Critics argue without oversight AI could spread propaganda and lies and eventually lead to anarchy.
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Maybe, inadvertently, they've trained us to deal with AI by softening us up with all of this stuff. And maybe this whole argument I'm putting forward in defence of AI was actually written by AI. Just getting it was I wrote, or did I know I wrote it. Or did I semi Sha?
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This is a rational fear. What is rational fear? based in fear making the saddest headlines and giving them a little tickle?
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Gabby, you are considering changing careers? Is this correct? Yeah. Yeah. Come on. What are we what is it is? We can't feel people in the front three rows? Is that why? No,
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it's just you know, you do one show, and then you come back to do the second one. And you're like, Oh, it's just all the same, isn't it? Like, I just keep writing jokes and hoping you laugh and then going home and crying. You know, that's
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but you don't you don't do it for that. Gabby, we do it for the money. Oh,
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you get money? I've never got that. Yeah, so I have been I've been sort of considering changing career paths. And it might be crazy, because it's kind of a hard process. For me, it might shock you to know this, but I don't have a degree. It's fine. Ah, and so I've been googling, you know, but I don't just want any job. You know, I don't want to just fall into like hospitals again, or retail again, or teaching children again,
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you want a job where you're respected?
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Yeah, you know, has longevity provides a bit of fulfilment. It's something I could do for the rest of my life. So I started Googling exactly that, you know, no degree jobs with fulfilment, something I could do for the rest of my life and something really weird, kept coming up the police. And I was like, Surely not. Surely you have to like you have to have a criminology degree to join the police not it's recommended, but not required. And so then I kept googling didn't I kept? Okay. What is the bare minimum of time somebody has to train before they're given a gun and told to protect the people six months. And so I thought about that a little bit more. And I thought, what if you applied that level of training to literally any other job? If you're a cop, you might want to pop out for about two and a half minutes.
Kindig kindergarten teacher would only have up to F when they looked at their curriculum to teach the alphabet sir ajan would not yet have even touched a surgery. Six months yep, that's all it takes to join the police. A lawyer would be juggling four subjects on their feet. When on average there are 38 subjects to complete. A cannot yet defend object or bargain for replay. But meanwhile you can make arrests when you're the AWS police, same spare. First time mom is still too busy cooking up a kid, or first time architect is still drawing out the blueprint. First time taxidermists is still fucking creepy. But so is the fact that in six months of enjoying the hours Billy's a retail worker would still have a skerrick of their soul. The West Coast Eagles still would not have scored a single goal. Michelle has not been introduced as job ads today but you can look up kids when you work for us bullies. The age for criminal responsibility in this country is 10. When I was 10, I couldn't even spell criminal. A politician voted on the fact that many times and for every fuckup made they're going to talk about four slides that tells us the four workers still has no cut back to me, but I would not have that problem if I worked for us police.
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Buffalo Lulla Lulla Lulla firearms Miller Lilly Lilly Lilly military complex Lulla Lulla Lulla little tiny birds for
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all the people I know that went into this career were annoying at best and horrifying and worse to be making them on an office worker still has not worked up to weeks in lieu of musical comedian just has this bot six months yet all it takes to own a gun make arrests and join me
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Yeah, Melbourne Please give it up for nuts what I reckon
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it's my favourite song Fuck yeah. theory right. That was a little experienced the wild world of COVID in the last couple of years it was heaps of fun I wash my mouth and Victoria you got us fuck I got locked the fuck up. We had three months of it I've noticed that doing stand up was like oh we were locked down and people are looking at me like back and now you weren't on trying to compartmentalise that and like it reminds me of something COVID reminds me of something and what is it? It reminds me of something else fucking annoying and that's you too when you laugh they've got a lot in common. I do they're both pretty SAS they're both fucking annoying. There was an outbreak of you two on people's arch and she is a guy I'm not sure you're aware of that whether you got vaccinated against that one. It took him a week to release a vaccine for the for the YouTube album Songs of Innocence wasn't a fucking anything innocent about it was a fucking attack. So fucking attack but I said it was a gift. bonobo isn't okay fuck and then had one I said it was a gift the edge said it was subversive and punk rock to fuckin partner with Apple. And so you know Falcon punk rock is on I think it's particularly. Yeah, look, I'm just a bit Sasada and all I'm trying to say is that maybe you know, think twice before fun listening to you to get vaccinated. That's what I reckon.
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I've never felt more personally attacked by a friend ever before. I'm Pakistani 44 year old man. Of course I am. It's YouTube and Dave Matthews Band. Those are my two big ones. Yeah, no, I know.
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Do you remember that Lutz?
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I do remember it. Yeah. I was never I was sort of I missed you too. I just came in underneath the banner review to slightly not much younger than semi but a touch. So I never I was and also I knew how to use iPod so I knew how to delete it. So
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I don't really get all the hate for that album release. To be quite honest with you. Not that I don't think the oven was trashed. Obviously, it was but I think that they're not hated enough for what is arguably the worst atrocity. Their short lived. But paralysing one person Broadway musical Spider Man Turn Off the Dark That's the only get that one don't we ran on Broadway for far too long even though it closed after two months.
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And YouTube of course named after an American spy plane which crashed and burned in the Soviet Union. Much like that album's release
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I think Spider Man the musical killed more people than COVID didn't know
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wow yeah not by March but yeah it's
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a high wire accident every night. Yeah, I
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don't I don't believe this spider man musical existed. It did
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not a truther its first
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preview went for four and a half hours because the wires this is totally true. You can go look it up. It's amazing. The wires the people who were doing the spider Manning, if you will. Getting Yeah, kept getting stuck. I'm really good with. Yeah, they kept getting stuck in the end and they had to keep pausing the show. That's my niche YouTube knowledge right there.
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I heard it didn't go well because they had problems with their web site. Ah, I deserve that you're absolutely correct.
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It's a bit like q&a on crack mousse is a Russian
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Hello there, It's Dan Ilic here a little hungover after spending four nights at the festival bar in a row. Very, very tired but I'm just here to let you know that Australian ethical has been sponsoring us for the last few weeks and we are so appreciative of them Australian Ethical, huge, big ethical Superfund. You know if you want to consider moving your money you can to Australian ethical because Australian Ethical. They don't invest in things like fossil fuels which we are pretty dead set against here and irrational fear I don't know if you've if you've picked up what we've been putting down but we are very much aligned. So big thank you to Australian ethical since 1986 They've been managing people's money ethically and responsibly and some of the most responsible things they do with this money is give it to me to make this podcast which means you get it for free. How about that? So big THANK YOU Australian ethical for sponsoring the podcast I'm gonna have a big glass of water let's get back to the show. Please give it up for video Rajan good yeah
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hello, use this one I think you're really gonna love it's a biggest boldest idea yet. So, you know how there's a lot of negative energy right now around like landlords and tenants and renters and those terms, right? What if I told you that we could manifest a cooler tomorrow if everyone stopped thinking of themselves as landlords and tenants and instead starts to think of themselves as land domes and lands saw
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what have you just to land on a land sob in a consensual relationship? Sexy taught? Yeah, ask play. Slip it in daddy. And buy it we mean your rental agreement. Of course. Don't look at the terms that will make master displeased have a complaint about mould. Find it demeaning to raise the question of your basic living necessities. Now that demeaning thing is the whole point you fucking whore. Hot Yeah, yes. puts us fuzzy is this it's your land don't shut up can't also. Polly that's a thing, right? That's cool. So wouldn't you just love it? If your landlord could own 1-234-567-8910 Maybe even 20 properties and be in multiple relationships with multiple land stops? That's beautiful. Don't put a limit on it. What are you some kind of food? Don't make me tell you to stop kink shaming and just learn to insert young word. Okay, so slay or not Slay. Slay Oh, cool. All right. Fuck you all
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your fear is rational.
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Please give it up for the one and only Grace Tame.
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I know it's a podcast, but I thought I'd at least stand up
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Yes, Sammy. That's polite.
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You guys wonder why you don't get booked on TV? Yeah, no bad. Ah, great to be back. It's good to be back. I'm so excited. But not indicted. Yes, as we heard first time for a president one would hope the only time for a president once enough for the Oval Office. But the bare minimum if you want to be friends with Rupert Murdoch. Yes, you gotta be indicted or knighted. Which is the only reason that him and I are not friends. That and I don't have any spare organs for him to harvest. Which I think is the real reason why he's had so many wives. Yes. It's like a 1986 Holden Commodore. Nine No, no original parts. Yes. 1986. Great Year for Rupert Murdoch. Bob hawks government made a couple of changes to the press landscape here. 1986 was also the year that Fox Broadcasting Company was founded. 1986 was also the year that a man named Roy Cohn died. And for those of you who don't know who Roy Cohn is he was the controversial lawyer for the Cold War con artist, Senator Joseph McCarthy. He was also a man who represented at one time, Rupert Murdoch. And you guessed it, Donald Trump. Yeah, there's that axis of April for you. Yes, Roy Cohn was indicted four times before he died at age 59. That's an average of once every 15 years. The rest of us go to the dentist every 15 years or at least it Malcolm Turnbull has got a new podcast out I saw recently defending democracy. Exactly. Delight now. All you needed was review neuroma.
They kidding, we don't live in a democracy. We just have been conditioned to think that we live in a democracy and we're all participating in that game. I don't know if you read or saw anything about the Dominion lawsuit. It's just the tip of a very big melting glycemia. Hill and Knowlton PR firm in New York would cast a lot of doubt over that. Yes, Merchants of Doubt, I highly recommend that documentary if you haven't already seen it. They kept one line in there from a interviewee who said that he reads the Wall Street Journal because that is where the truth is. What? That's how they get you with the doubt. But the real irony of the pace is that the narrative they have been carefully cleverly crafting for about 40 or 50 years or so. Is to convince you all that anybody who believes in the greenhouse effect must also be a dirty socialist, or a communist. Yes, because it's Sophie's choice between the environment or the economy, between believing in material facts, or being Tony Abbott.
Like I said, Dominion tip of the iceberg, the actual documents from dominion and Fox especially, were pretty fascinating reads. It's a pretty big distraction. If you ask me, though, as if democracy as I said, wasn't already cooked. A clue is that both parties in their briefs admit that Dominion voting systems was just collateral damage. I mean, imagine being that many sheets from my pillow guy I to the wind that the actual voting system in a federal election of a superpower is just me. Yeah, the first page of Fox brief was textbook coercion. Nevermind Rupert Murdoch's half a century or so of propaganda and corrupt tos and denialism. They open with a list of all the good things that Fox has on offer. That's called bribery.
We've got Fox Sports, we've got Fox entertainment, and we've got Bob's Burgers
Now, remember, that is I might take him away from me, you wouldn't want.
Yeah, well, you also had George Pell as a columnist for the Australian. John Howard made Peter Hollingworth, the Governor General. Yeah blue. Statistically, in Australia, if you are an alleged paedophile, you are more likely to be platformed by Rupert Murdoch than you are to go to prison. Yes, very sad. Very sad indeed. And we've got a man who likes to nibble on raw onions now working for a climate change denial Think Tank. Yeah, and that might just be my new favourite oxymoron. Soon to be a literal tank, because the glaciers will melt faster than any logical thoughts will come out of that place.
Is budgie smugglers might come in handy after all tiny pretty feeble crew, I reckon. You know, when it comes to frontman, my lawyer says that I have to preface this next part with
I think, allegedly, in my honest opinion. This cruel frontman, I like the Nickelback of organised crime.
And I have to say that because I'm seriously concerned that Nickelback are going to try to sue me. Thank you
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as well, as the ribbon is getting married again at age 92.
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I believe in love
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at that age, like why would you even bother getting married? You know, other than the organs obviously, like fucking Dan,
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say, maybe he doesn't think you'll actually make it to the ceremony. He just wants one fucking Sikh bucks night.
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Oh my god, awesome. People are gonna get murdered on an island that he's
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white lotus, it's set near us. That was really good.
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Does he take the blue pill or the red pill?
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The red ones a blood thinner.
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He cuts them in half and takes them both at the same time as per his doctor.
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Other than money like why would you get married to rip a murderer?
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You don't want to live in sin any longer. Have the Lord
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masochism? We'll do it too.
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Well, right now we have to say goodbye to Gabby and Sammy. They gotta go to their shows.
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I don't have to do my show. I just don't want to see Louis.
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Please give them a round of getting to hang out after you can move down
a seats two seats for you net. Down two seats. That'd be great. All right. Great. Because you're gonna make room for two more people. But before bring them out. I want to before we bring them out.
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Do you want me to?
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Yeah. Can you play soccer? Yeah. Can you play Happy Birthday? No. Because there's a young man who's come to his first comedy show. His name's Bo it's his first birthday. It's his first time at a comedy show. Teens birthday
is Bo here Oh, he's out the back. He's on the back. Happy birthday. We did that time to sing happy birthday with too many guests.
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Fedora edited remix perhaps day.
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Them All right. Let's quickly tell the story. Now. Melbourne's got a few iconic structures and that bring joy to people's lives every day. You've got the Montague Street Bridge. You've got the yellow peril. Then of course, there's the wonderful Melbourne eye, which, which people can permanently get joy from now, and I'm afraid though Melbourne, you're about to lose one of your most magnificent structures. Yes, it's time to break the news here, that the fence that Tim Smith ran into has been repaired. Yeah, for those of you who don't know, Victorian, liberal state MP, Tim Smith and 2021 drove through a fence in and into the side of a house with a blood alcohol rating of more than two times the legal limit. That's also how he got stuck into Parliament as well. He's been unable to reverse out of there to tell us the story of what the hell happened. We're joined by the owners of said house that Tim crash into Please give it up for Simone and Mike Simone and Mike, come on out here. We're gonna say welcome. Now, as quickly as you can tell us the story of this night, like what happened?
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Well, 17 months ago, 9pm. On a Saturday night, we were watching Love Island, UK or something. And
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anyway, we already know they're telling the truth, because no one would admit that if it was a lie,
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yeah, they were already expecting a car or experienced car crash.
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But we heard a car hurtling towards the house and slammed, you know, said shoot, it's hit the house, and went outside and saw the car and a guy spinning his wheels trying to reverse it and out, jumping in and out asking us to help him. I said we're getting away from this anyway. Two hours later, he's arrested. We had no idea who it was at that stage.
36:54
Wow. So did you go and try and meet this guy and try and find out who he is?
36:58
No, we were approached by a woman alleging to be his GP who came over?
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Just just she's just walking the dog. Oh, yeah. Oh, no.
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Most people are waiting five weeks to see your GP. Just got in the backseat?
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A minute away every time he crashes. And yes, so she came and spoke to us on his behalf. And what did what did she say? She taught she gave me his pas number and said that his pa would get in touch. And when I asked what the drivers name was, she said, Tim Smith. And it was so strange. I thought he she made this name up. Yes, Tim's in Smith.
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So shortly after you Yeah, that happened. Did he ever kind of approach you to say, you know, I'm sorry, did he ever did he contact you?
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Not? Well, the next day, his pa called us. And when I asked how the driver was she said, Oh, he's, he's just she's just with me. Hang on. Like
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she called up to apologise to
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apologise on his behalf. Whoa,
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I imagine he was still busy with his GP who was right there.
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Wow. So he didn't even he didn't make the contact.
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But he was right. He was next to the phone.
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He was there waiting, you know, in case hung over.
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The sincerest apology, of course of all is the one you get someone else to do for you.
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So she
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passed the phone. She passed the phone over and then he spoken you know, was very regretful
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of course, that didn't say sorry.
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I can't I can't remember the exact word like a politician can't remember.
38:50
You're You're a lawyer. I am. Do you feel like the non apology apology was to make sure that they never actually admitted fault at any point. It's probably hard to ignore it possibly.
39:03
We need to put out here that Tim Smith was at the time shadow Attorney General of Korea. And he also he also has no legal qualifications. So Simone is actually more qualified to be shadow Attorney General tends to be lazy. So how long after he crashed in the house, you put the board up on the on the fence
39:24
while the board was put up straightaway by our insurers. And then a couple of months later we saw this Chappaquiddick sign,
39:33
right, so this is Tony Martin's tweet here, saying someone's got a sense of humour so Chappaquiddick for beginners a town in in Martha's Vineyard and very prominent us politician, drunk, drove and murdered someone and never really suffered the consequences was a bit of a big cover up at the time. I did. I love this graffiti here because it's spelt Chappaquiddick wrong, it's missing a D but they've underlined the word deck underneath, so we know exactly What was going on there? So tell us like, how has this fence caused you much kind of anxiety having this landmark on your house now
40:10
been amazed at how many people want to selfie with it. And
40:14
not with you with the fact you get out of the way I want this inanimate object in this beautiful photo.
40:20
Very odd. They actually just also let's take a photo of the fence on that you can you can look online, just get it
40:25
to get there. So it's obviously all fixed now and you when did you get the fence fixed? Just this week? It's finally been fixed and probably you know, Tim, you know, paid the pay the bill, you know, fix you up for the money for that. No.
40:37
Seems to me there's not spent a cent so
40:50
So why are you here tonight? Like what what are you doing?
40:55
Well, we just thought, a good end to this a jovial sort of enter this this sort of a stressful seven, eight months that we could create something good out of it. I mean, we already did and got him sacked. So that was great. But the second thing is that maybe we can get some money for charity. So we're going to auction off the fence.
41:16
Fantastic. Here at irrational fear. We had it mounted and framed. And it is ready to auction look at it. Thank you, Louis. Look at that beautiful feds. Oh my God, what do you think of it? What do you think of this?
41:33
I think it looks great on I'm bidding.
41:37
Well, in order to help the auction, we have actually created an ad. With the voiceover courtesy of the one and only Tony Martin. Here's the ad we're going to use to kind of get this auction going.
41:49
The a rational fair mint presents a unique opportunity to own a piece of Australian political idiocy, you can now own Kim Smith's fence cover up because he refuses to
42:04
lay some time to reflect on reflecting on my position.
42:09
I'm reflecting on my position made from 100% Bunnings particle board collect a piece of the sheet that covered up a hole in the fence created by a drink driving Tim Smith, maybe the worst Victorian liberal ever, if it wasn't for the whole Nazi thing. In terms of fence cover ups, it's one of the dumbest ever presented for sale to the Australian public. Like its namesake, the particle board is of low value painted on your wall as a warning about the dangers of mixing privilege and alcohol. Sit it in your dining room where your guests can be as intoxicated as someone who had a skinful and drove through a fence on their way home. Or simply put it out in the scrap heap of history where it belongs. proceeds from the sale of Tim Smith's fence cover up we'll go to the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre. Remember, if you drink and drive through a fence, you're a bloody idiot.
43:12
Fantastic. So good. Everyone, get your phones out now scan this QR code or take a second here. Maybe got some scanning music Andy,
43:23
I was thinking something to get us more closely emotionally related to the fence.
43:32
No, take it away, Andy. No, no.
43:36
Am I running an auction now?
43:38
No, I'd be singing
43:43
again, so. Here we all know this standard very odd man Andrew. I can't believe we don't all know this pre verbal stand.
43:55
So please take a shot of that and tweet it, put it on Facebook, share it with your friends, we need to get this auction going online. It's only been up for a day. It's gonna be up for 10 days. And it's already had $100 put on it and he put it up last night. I think I started at 30 bucks and someone's already bid 100 bucks. So that is amazing. So please get the information out there. So please also give it up for Mike and Simone. And to take us out. Louis haba ladies and gentlemen.
44:30
smooth, smooth, smooth, smooth start.
Thank you so much. Thank you, Andy. Thank you, Dan. Thank you everybody. As usual at the end of the show. It falls upon me to take on the issue. Everyone's been too scared to touch because on Friday, the world witnessed one of the most explosive moments in the history of us justice. Oh no, not that one. Not Trump. Know this. Yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow and The Curious Case of the skiing incident. How many people here followed the Gwyneth Paltrow trial? Yes. Couple of fellow fans. It was so tense. Would she be found innocent? Oh, would she be found guilty. But those who don't know the case, I'll try to catch you up on it as quickly as possible. Here on a Utah ski slope. We see Terry Sanderson, a 74 year old retired optometrist. Here we see Gwyneth Paltrow, Academy Award winning snake oil merchant. Here on the side, we see the Paltrow children, Apple Mosers, and another one with a fucking insane name. Now, Terry Sanderson here Your Honour, has accused Ms. Paltrow have running into the back of him. Gwyneth Paltrow is counted claiming the Terry Sanderson scene here, in fact, crashed into the back of her Welcome to Lauren order VIP. I love this trial. I loved it so much. It was good. It's most enjoyable low stakes drama since Shakespeare in Love the whole case was just rich people bullshit. It was like watching a polo player. Sue is own horse. Terry Sanderson was originally suing Gwyneth Paltrow for $3 million for broken ribs, brain injury and damages. What kind of damages? Did Terry Sanderson suffer? I'm glad you asked. He was no longer able to enjoy wine tastings. Now Gwyneth Paltrow was countersuing him for a symbolic $1. Now, what was her suffering that made she had to do the countersue It's
47:24
unfair that Mr. Sanderson has brought this case against you? I do. And he has deterred you from enjoying the rest of what was a very expensive vacation.
47:37
While I lost half a day of skiing.
47:45
Sad stuff. I actually think Gwyneth is much tougher than she's pretending to be here. I do kind of think you can handle anything if you've been on several seasons of Glee. But Sandersons lawyers actually used this $1 symbolic claim to try to track Gwyneth in a lie. They wanted her to admit that she stole the idea from alleged friend Taylor Swift, which Gwyneth Paltrow denies roll tape. Are you good friends with Taylor Swift?
48:15
No. overruled,
48:18
you're not good friends with Taylor Swift.
48:20
I would not say we're good friends. We are friendly. I take my kids. I've taken my kids to one of her concerts before, but we don't talk very often.
48:32
Now in a deeply unreliable court case. This was a moment I could actually understand, because there's the Triple J employee. I too, had had to downplay my relationship with Taylor Swift. On Friday, the court found in favour of Gwyneth Paltrow go innocent and she got her $1 Justice was served. Or was it because I think maybe Johnny law Mr. Trick here, because Sure, Gwyneth isn't guilty of hitting an idiot on a mountain. But that doesn't mean she's innocent of all crimes, because I think she should be locked away for goop. Their victims are well moisturised. Are you familiar with goop everyone here familiar with goop? For anyone who isn't goop is Gwyneth Paltrow is wellness website where she sells overpriced snake oil to the kind of idiots who go to court over a skiing accident. Now here's some of the things that Gwyneth Paltrow sells on Google Now, before I show you the first one, let me ask you Who here has ever bought themselves a baguette? And then thought to themselves Damn this paper bag around this bag yet? It's simply too crazy. Clean If only there was something that I could put my baguette in. There was a little softer a little silkier. A little smoother. Well guess what? You're in luck because goop has a satin baguette holder if you think she shouldn't be in prison for that yet. Wait till you find out how much it costs $377 That's real What about this this beautiful combination sitting and sexing device Now admittedly, it is a stunning piece. Beautiful for every home, but it will set you back $44,800 That's an expensive footstool ladies and gentlemen. You can pick up a cheap one for IKEA does the job just as well. She also sold a candle that smells like her vagina. We all remember this. I hope. It wasn't just me typing in vagina candles, who's released one. Now, here's what I think was a big shame out of this court case, how on earth how on earth did Terry Sandersons lawyers have Gwyneth Paltrow under oath and not ask her who had to smell her vagina to make that candle
but goop also does make some actual criminal health claims. They claim that these bodies stickers use the same conductive carbon material that NASA uses. Now I'm sure NASA sticker department is very busy trying to whip out this technology. But it chief NASA scientists saw this and called it other bullshit groups of course, they're famous Jade eggs. This was taken today they're actually on sale. So he only wants to get a jade egg Today's the day. If you don't know what the famous Jade eggs are, they are eggs made of jade that you put up your vagina. They were so dangerous that they ended up having to pay people out $145,000 I thought that will get a lot but just had people going. Oh,
52:39
there was everyone with a jade egg inside.
52:43
Those people can buy three of the six doors.
52:48
Now these sorts of court cases are more than just a little oopsie they're a big goop see. I knew that wouldn't but I knew it wasn't gonna work but I don't care that one was
52:59
filho I tried to get an
53:00
alpha. Okay. It's more than just a little oopsie it's actually a big Guzzi.
53:10
No, I liked it the first time
53:17
when I saw this lamp on goop that claims to optimise your circadian rhythms for the low low price of $1,300. I thought of course about Australia's Gwyneth Paltrow, Pete Evans. Remember when he tried to sell a lamp that you had COVID for $15,000? Now think about this. If Pete Evans who was being sued for hurting someone in a freak, rollerblading accident, I don't know would we be cheering if he walked free? I mean, you'd be cheering if he rollerbladed free. But that's just for the visual magnificence of the moment. But no, of course not. You'd see it as an opportunity missed to lock up a villain. Letting Gwyneth Paltrow walk free was a mistake. And I believe we'll look back on this moment as the justice systems sliding doors moment. Much like the head film sliding doors starring her how we'll all live to regret the day we didn't put her behind sliding bars. Thank you very much. Thank you. Lois is
54:33
no feed big thank you to all of our incredible guests today. Andy McClellan, Louis have a great time. That's what I reckon. Mike and Mel, who knew where did you guys come from Savvy shock Abby bought, please go see these folks at the Comedy Festival. Also, please share the link to the auction. Until next week. There's always something to be scared of good night.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
A Rational Fear on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ARationalFear
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