Special Guests Dale and Carrie Rubury: When your Sibling is the “Monster” Child

Today’s is a special episode focusing on sibling dynamics. We take a break from our typical therapy sessions to talk to Leslie’s 34-year-old twins, Dale and Carrie. Together they share in an open and honest conversation the challenges of being themselves and being in relationship with each other. Dale had intense emotions and challenging behaviors as a kid, and doesn’t understand how Carrie didn’t hate her, or at the very least resent her. Carrie was easy going and flexible, and she grew up wondering if there was something wrong with her. In this dialogue we look at how complex sibling relationships can be. What happens when one sibling has higher needs than the other? How do parents balance the needs of each child when helping one can actually hurt the other? Hear what Dale and Carrie reveal about the evolution of their relationship not just as siblings, but as twins, from childhood to adulthood.

About our guests: 

Dale Rubury is excited to be back on Is My Child A Monster? as she was a producer and special guest in Season 1. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.  

Carrie's passion for exploring humanity, in all its messiness and wonder, has driven her career. Her career has led her across the globe, working in Latin America and Africa, and across various industries, from public relations and restaurants to leadership development and healthcare. Carrie continued to follow her curiosity about how people change and grow into graduate school to earn her MSW. Carrie is currently working as a clinical social worker in a community practice in upstate New York. She lives with her husband and dog, Lou. Outside of work, she is likely cooking with friends or adventuring in some wilderness. 

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel Significant 

Leslei’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging

Is My Child a Monster?  S1 Ep 14 The Apology Episode with Special Guest Dale Rubury

Leslie’s video of the Orchestra Metaphor which teaches us  to respect people for who they are

Leslie-ism: All children need to feel like unique individuals and also need to feel like they belong.

Timestamps:

• 1:53 The metaphor of a mobile: a family systems perspective where all family members impact each other 
• 10:17 For the low needs child you can explain that “It's hard being [the sibling with anxiety], and it's hard being you”
• 12:26 Holding the dialectic dilemma: “I love her and am also angry at her”
• 16:30 The empathy issue for children - when a child is young and struggling, they may not be able to understand the other person’s perspective 
• 17:47 Give the problem back to the child who is being mean 
  •  It’s Dale’s problem, not Carrie’s
  • Give compassion to the child who is struggling in the moment 
  • Connect to the child who is the “victim”