Today we’re going to be looking at therapeutic or trial separation- the idea of spending some time apart to heal your marriage. For many couples who feel like their marriage is at the end of its tether, this kind of separation might be something to consider. But you need to be aware of the risks and possible outcomes going in.
I think we should state very clearly that our vision is to help people create thriving, passionate marriages. At the same time, we realize that folks often come to our podcast or website or to us for counseling in a great deal of distress. So when we’re talking about therapeutic separation today this is with the goal of restoring your marriage, as long as it is safe to do that.
On the safety note: if you are in an abusive situation a different approach is necessary — please see our shows on abuse starting with episode 123. You may still pursue separation but you will not likely be safe to do so in the way we’re about to describe.
What Is Therapeutic Separation?
Let’s start by laying out what exactly a therapeutic separation looks like. A marriage and family counselor called Patrick Ward[i] sets out a helpful framework for a trial separation and the circumstances under which it may be useful.
A therapeutic separation is defined as a fixed period of separation, during with time the decision to divorce or stay together is postponed. In other words — a therapeutic separation is not a preamble or step towards divorce or even a trial of what it would be like to live without your spouse. It always set up with a view to restoration.
That has to be a sincere commitment for both parties.
The objective of a therapeutic separation is to address the negative feelings that one or both of you might have about staying in the marriage. Sometimes it can also be used as an intervention if one spouse is not really accepting the reality of their own addiction problem or if they are not willing to address their own hurtful ways of interaction with their spouse.
Possible Reasons that Make a Therapeutic Separation Appropriate
There could be a wider variety of reasons than this, but here are some common areas that may prompt a therapeutic separation:
Extreme or persistent marital conflict
One or both spouses feeling high levels of frustration or lack of satisfaction from the marriage
Harmful patterns of interaction such as abuse, addiction, neglect or control
Indecision about whether one or both spouses want to remain in the marriage
Ways Therapeutic Separation Can Help
Some possible benefits may include:
Acknowledging the seriousness of problems. It can be helpful or validating for both spouses to see that you each willing to go to extreme lengths to try and save the marriage. Separation can create a “crisis point” which shakes the couple out of denial and forces them to take action to save the marriage.
Relief from unproductive conflict and negative cycles of interaction. If left untreated, daily conflicts and bad habits can end up damaging a marriage more than being apart for a time. Separation can help break this cycle
Breaking the tendency to take each other for granted. Spouses get to see how hard life might actually be if they separated. This can be a reality check to think about the positives and stop taking one’s spouse for granted.
Gaining a sense of independence and self-control. Sometimes if couples are unhealthily dependant on each other, separation can teach them some valuable self-reliance and allow them to reunite as stronger, more differentiated individuals.
Those are benefits identified by one researcher[ii]. Here are some other possible benefits:
Perspective: separation can provide a "cooling off" period for couples who see their difficulties as insurmountable. The time apart can allow spouses to deeply reflect on the marriage more objectively, without the pressure of being in conflict all the time[iii].
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