One of the things I hear a lot of wives calling their husbands out on is spiritual leadership. Even in marriages that aren’t particularly distressed. This isn’t a subject we’ve tackled before so I thought it would be good to look at so that we can give husbands some help on how to move forward in this area of married life.
This is a tricky topic for a lot of guys. I know in our marriage for the longest time the “spiritual leadership” would look more like Verlynda prodding and me obliging, which is no criticism of her but just reflects my own reluctance. When I talk to guys about this, there are a lot of reasons why we do not show spiritual leadership, including issues like:
Not knowing what to do can be a challenge
It can feel like a huge task and one that you’re not qualified for. You don’t know where or how to start
It feels awkward. Spirituality is often a private relationship with God and now you are being called to live that out in front of others.
Perhaps the spiritual leadership you saw as a child was unattractive because it was dry or hypocritical or just unpleasant
Then there’s the huge issue of just feeling like I don’t have it all together enough to lead myself, how am I supposed to lead you?
I just mention these to help people understand there can be a lot of reasons why it is hard to do this whole spiritual leadership thing. I’m sure a lot of people reading this will be struggling with the same issues or hang-ups. I think a big one is just feeling like you’re being called to be something that you aren’t. Not many guys wake up in their marriage one day thinking, “OK, I finally feel like a spiritual leader today”. But that doesn’t exclude you from being able to do it. So let’s unpack this and then give some guidance.
Why Spiritual Leadership?
Spiritual leadership might be something that God calls each man to in their marriage and their family, but there are also a range of practical life benefits to taking this seriously. A study in 1999[i] looked at nearly 100 married couples and examined the effect of joint spiritual activities compared to individual spiritual activities and beliefs. They looked at how this impacted marriage and found that the benefits of joint spirituality included:
Closer integration of faith into the marriage
More perceived benefits to the marriage, for both the husband and wife
Less conflict
More verbal collaboration
Better ability to discuss agreements
This came from shared activities like prayer, worship, spiritual discussion, mission or charity work and church attendance as a couple.
So it’s great to note that doing these things that seem unrelated actually has these tangible benefits inside of marriage.
Getting Started With Spiritual Leadership
I think the biggest barrier to getting started properly is the belief that you have to have it all together before you can show spiritual leadership. I know this is an issue for me: I’d like to feel like I am an expert before I try something. I guess that’s part perfectionism, part shame-based self-identity, but most importantly it’s about having impossible standards.
I mean, if you stop and think about it, in terms of the Christian faith if you wake up one morning and think to yourself, “I am definitely qualified to be a spiritual leader!” At that moment, you are probably DIS-qualified!
We’re never called to have it all together and we’re never going to be perfect. So instead of thinking that you have to lead this from a place of accomplishment and expertise, why not approach it as a shared journey together? So instead of doing this because you have it all together spiritually, why not do this because you’d like to bring your wife and children with you as you figure out how to grow spiritually?
As part of this, you need to believe that God is actively at work in your marriage and that marriage, including yours, is sacred[ii].
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