How can your marriage work when the two of
you are so wildly different? At the start of your marriage, it’s easy to
overlook those differences. But the more you get to know your spouse, the more
you realize that they are a totally distinct person from you.
While that can be overwhelming or even
unexpected, this is an incredible step towards developing intimacy. Learning to
appreciate and explore the mystery of the individual you are married to will
help you grow closer to one another.
Irreducibility
and Autonomy Build Intimacy
The first step,
while perhaps a little tedious, is to define terms. Irreducibility and autonomy
are critical psychological concepts to nail down. Once you see what each means,
you will see how crucial they are as you work to build a marriage together.
Autonomy
in Marriage
You and your spouse
are separate people. And autonomy means that you each have the ability and the
right to govern yourself [1].
Each of you can be independent and complete without the other.
This might seem to
contradict how you might see marriage portrayed. Some of the most romantic
quotes from movies (e.g. “you complete me”) can give the impression that we are
incomplete without the other. This isn’t the case; you are absolutely capable
of existing apart from your partner.
Marriage is choosing
to become interdependent, to become one, not surrendering the capacity to be
independent altogether. Understanding this will protect you against
psychological abuse that says that you can’t live without your partner or that
says you are nothing without them.
Autonomy in marriage
means that no matter what, you and your spouse are two individuals with the
ability to make choices independent from each other (even though you have
chosen to live inside the union of marriage).
Irreducibility
in Marriage
Knowing that you are
separate allows you to build on that idea. Since you are autonomous, you will
never fully understand the mind and heart of your spouse. This is
irreducibility. Being different people means that each of you will have different
emotions, thoughts, and motivations.
And this is a great
thing! If you could fully understand and comprehend your spouse, then at a
certain point, your intimacy would stop growing. Your marriage would become
stagnant if you stopped trying to get to know your spouse.
Irreducibility
brings hope to marriage. It means there is always something more to know,
always another way to become more intimate, to grow, to deepen your
understanding of one another.
How
Irreducibility Deepens Intimacy in Marriage
As two married,
autonomous, irreducible individuals, you are bound to run into differences in
thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and experiences. Discovering these
differences will affect your behavior and how you interact with one another.[2]
The truth is that
discovering these things will take a lifetime. No matter how long you have
known each other, you will always surprise one another. This should not cause
you to feel anxious or somehow inadequate as a spouse. Instead, this should
encourage you to pursue one another continually.
Irreducibility brings vibrancy, mystery, and excitement. If you embrace it in your marriage, you will never be bored with your spouse. Instead, you will have a foundation for exploration, creativity, understanding, and intimacy between you.
How To
Make Autonomy and Irreducibility Work For You
Now that you know what autonomy and irreducibility are and the roles they play in marriage in general, here are some practical steps to see how they can deepen the intimacy in your own lives:
Go For
Understanding
It’s not enough to know about autonomy and
irreducibility in marriage. Those concepts only give you the framework. If for
whatever reason you have stopped trying to understand each other, you need to
take the next logical step. You need to pursue your lifelong journey of
understanding your spouse.
view more