This week I sit down with my friend and host of the Home and Hearth podcast, Rebekah Hargraves to talk about the lies moms believe and how the gospel refutes them. Rebekah shares about how the Word is what equips us for the work God has called us to, how the enemy always uses extremes, and why we must always turn to The Lord before answers from the world.
Rebekah is also the author of 4 books. Lies Moms Believe, Lies Moms Believe companion Bible Study, Advent Devotional, and co-authored Walking by The Spirit.
1) Tell us about you!!
- My name is Rebekah Hargraves, and I have been married to my husband, Owen, for 6 years. We live just outside Chattanooga, TN and have two kiddos, Anna (5) and James (3). As for church, we attend Concord Baptist here in town, which describes itself as a "gospel-centered, gospel-shaped congregation", which I love. I'm a work-at-home mom, so I stay at home with my kids but also blog, do freelance writing, podcast, homeschool, and am the author of 4 books and coauthor of 1, soon to be 2, books. My first book was Lies Moms Believe (and how the Gospel Refutes Them), and the second was Lies Moms Believe: The Companion Bible Study. I then wrote an Advent devotional study for women in 2018, co-authored a book on walking by the Spirit that released this January, a Lent devotional study for women that released this spring, and I'm currently working on co-authoring a book on friendship that will release this fall.
2) I’ve been looking so forward to this conversation because I am a momma who has definitely believed lies spoken to me from others or straight from the enemy himself. Can you share why and how this message became so important to you to share with other women?
- Absolutely! The funny thing is that this was not my original book idea. The original idea (which is one that I have in the works to go the traditional publishing route with, up to this point I have done all self-publishing) was on the topic of the mommy wars. But one day I had this "random" idea (that, looking back, was clearly God!) to write a little blog post addressing a few lies moms commonly believe and the gospel truth which refutes them. I had every intention of just writing about a handful of the lies I myself have dealt with, imagining that if I have battled them, surely other moms have, too. Well, instead, I had another "random" thought right before I sat down to work on that blog post - I had the idea of instead of just relying on my own thoughts and experiences, to instead take to IG and FB to ask fellow mamas what some of the most common lies were that they found themselves believing. That way the blog post could be as relevant and applicable as possible. I was only expecting maybe a handful of answers, but what ended up happening was that within the first 10 minutes of making that post, tons of responses came flooding in. At that moment I knew this area of lies we're believing as moms was a huge issue that did need to be addressed. At that point I thought I would then create a short little freebie ebook instead of a blog post, as the list of lies had now grown beyond what a blog post could handle. By the time all was said and done, however, and I had received all the input from various women on social media, I ended up with 32 lies to address and a full-length paperback book that is over 250 pages long! I never set out on my own to write this book and it was never my initial project or idea - it was all God! But I'm so grateful His plans were different and bigger than my own, because, honestly, the Lord has used this book and the process of writing it to change my own heart and life and to free me from lies I didn't even know I had been believing!
3) 1 John 4:18 tells us - His perfect love drives out fear. For me, fear is a huge lie I’ve taken the bait from in motherhood. Fearful of the world my son will grow up in, fearful of something happening to him, or just little fears throughout the day that seem normal. How would you lovingly challenge someone like me, with God’s word to move past the fear and cling to God’s truth that He has everything under control.
- I can totally understand that! Especially after the insane year we have all been experiencing. From the moment my first child was born, I had fears set in about whether or not I was doing the best job possible, making the best choices, what life would hold for her, how I would protect her from the darkness in the world, etc. While sometimes those fears do again try to rise to the surface, there is something I have found to be incredibly helpful, and that is to know the character of God. That is so, so key for me. I have to know that not only is God in control and sovereign, but that He is also wise, kind, loving, tender, gracious, caring, concerned for our wellbeing, and compassionate. If I can remember all that, then I can remember that He allow absolutely nothing to touch me or my children that He will not ultimately use for our good and His glory. Furthermore, I do not believe it is a coincidence that it has been said that there are 365 verses in the Bible addressing the topic of fear - one for each day of the year! The Lord knew we would battle fear (fear comes from the enemy and is one of the biggest ways he tries to get at us and our faith), so He provided truth and encouragement in His Word for how we can battle it. Studying, meditating on, and memorizing the Word is so key. And, finally, one particular story in the Bible that always helps me battle fear is the story of Joseph, found in Genesis.
4) What are some of the most common lies moms believe and why do you think they’ve become such a stumbling block in our lives?
- There are so many, but one interesting thing I have found is that many of them come in pairs of opposites - the enemy lies to us with extremes on both sides. For example, the lie that motherhood is a woman's highest calling is common, but so is the lie that motherhood is unimportant or worthless work. That lie can also be accompanied on the other side with the lies that we are to find our ultimate fulfillment and identity in being moms.
- But, beyond those, I would say that some of the most common are that mommy guilt is just something we have to live with, that we are bad moms, that our success as moms is tied to how our children turn out, and that theology isn't important for the daily work of mothering. All of these are tied directly to wrong understandings as to the truth and implications of the gospel. The enemy wants us to doubt Christ, so he will do anything he can to keep us from understanding and living out the gospel. And we have just fallen for it because we do not take the command to "take every thought captive" seriously.
5) What have been the lies you’ve struggled with the most?
- One of the big ones I have struggled with the most is the lie that my children would be better off with a different mom (and close behind that being the lies that I'm a bad mom, mommy guilt will always be something I just have to deal with, and that I have to be a perfect mom).
6) What has been the greatest blessing/teachable moment from being a mom and stepping out in faith to trust God and put the lies behind you?
- Two things instantly come to mind for me here. One is just the sheer freedom, joy, and lightness I feel now that I have intentionally chosen to take God at His Word and truly and fully believe - for me!- that I was never called to be a perfect mom, but rather to point my kids to the perfect Savior. That takes such a load off! I don't walk in guilt anymore. Sure, I am convicted, sure I apologize to my children and grieve that I have sinned in anger or what have you, but I am no longer buried under all that self-inflicted guilt and condemnation anymore, because I know the full truth of Romans 7 and 8. Which brings me to the second thing - a sweet story with my 3 year old at the time, my daughter, Anna.
7) Is there a way you would steward someone to see what lies they are believing?
- One key thing here is to be a student of the Word. You won't know the lie, the counterfeit, until you know the truth, the real thing. Likewise, you can't take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ unless you know what the obedience of Christ is. I've done a Bible study 101 episode on my podcast for anyone interested in diving into that. But, beyond studying the Word in order to know truth for yourself, I would also say to pay attention to what your thought patterns are. Journal through that. Assess what it is that is filling your mind most often. When you are feeling down, anxious, depressed, stressed, or discouraged, take an assessment of your thoughts and intentionally stop to see what it is you really are thinking. Chances are, the thoughts leading to those negative feelings are lies you have been believing. Then take what you find to the Word and search for the truth that will combat those lies. Talk to your pastor if need be, use a concordance to find all the passages that speak to that topic, etc.
8) John 3:30, says “He must increase and I must decrease. If someone were to ask you what they needed to begin living with less of in regards to what gets in the way of The Lord in their life, what would you tell them and why?
- I would say live with less of the thoughts and opinions of man. Every human being is fallible, so every teacher, pastor, blogger, podcaster, social media influencer, commentary writer, parenting "expert", online guru, etc. is going to get it wrong at some point. You need to stop having google be your guide and start turning to the Word of God first and foremost as your ultimate guide. Sure, we can and should learn from our pastors, mentors, and others, but we have to know the Word of God first and foremost and follow it more than we do some self-proclaimed expert.