Finding Fertile Ground: Stories of Grit, Resilience, and Fertile Ground
Society & Culture
Surviving PTSD with Love, Warmth, and Resilience: Stephanie Coren
Trigger warning: This episode contains discussion of childhood sexual abuse and trauma.
Stephanie Coren is one of the most resilient people I know. She recalls some wonderful things about her childhood, but her parents were raging alcoholics and physically abused her. Then she was sexually abused at age four by a priest and nuns.
Stephanie had no safe adults in her life. She suppressed much of her trauma until she came out as a lesbian and her parents kicked her out.
Then she started using drugs and alcohol to cope. After her girlfriend started hitting her, therapy saved her life, as did her first hospitalization and recovery. “I craved being seen and being in contact with someone...my abandonment issues are massive.”
After she began her recovery from drugs and alcohol, she started dating her ex-wife Rebecca, beginning a relationship that would last for 30 years. “Of course, having children was a hugely wonderful experience.”
We met Stephanie and Rebecca when our oldest sons attended Multnomah Playschool and Rebecca was pregnant with their twins.
At age 40, Steph developed Stage 4 endometriosis and her health took a nosedive. Endometriosis glued her organs together, and she developed a painful bladder condition. She started going to a pain clinic and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and IBS. “It was traumatic to have all of those surgeries, all of that attention in that area...extremely difficult for me.”
Then at age 49, Stage 3 breast cancer struck. After her treatment, she had a few scares that prompted a brain scan, bone scan, and PET scan. While waiting for the results, Rebecca told her she wanted a divorce. I remember the phone call when she told us that she didn’t have cancer, but she was getting a divorce.
She felt blindsided. “I lost the family I had created...it had everything to do with being rejected by my parents. I had these incredible kids, who were my life...”
A few days later, she landed in the psychiatric hospital because she felt suicidal. Over the next year, she was hospitalized twice and experienced her first relapse in decades.
Steph kept doing the work. She graduated from the pain clinic and re-entered the workforce. I asked her how she did that.
“Contact and connection is super important. When I’m in PTSD, I forget my friends love me so much, so I feel very alone."
After her divorce, Steph joined our Lutheran-Catholic church, Spirit of Grace. We talked about following the radical inclusive Jesus.
“The teachings of Jesus challenge me at a level I can’t live up to, and I kind of like that about Christianity. If I can take some of the guilt out of it, and appreciate the striving, it becomes a powerful force.”
I asked Stephanie how she became such a rock star mom after not experiencing loving parenting herself. She credits Rebecca as a great parenting partner.
Their kids were proud of the fact they had two moms. It felt natural. We are both grateful for the inclusive atmospheres of Multnomah Playschool, which has an anti-bias curriculum.
I asked Steph what would she tell her 18-year-old self. “You’re going to have all the love you need. You will build a real life.”
“I was so afraid of losing what I had, but I’ve learned it’s okay to have lost what I have lost, and there’s so much I didn’t actually lose.”
Next week I interview nature and forest therapy guide Katrina Nilsson-Gorman, who also experienced trauma and health problems as a result of being raped while traveling in India. She didn’t share the positive experience Steph had in being hospitalized for mental health. Instead she found her healing in the forest.
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