119: An Important Quality to Look for In a Friend
An important quality to look for in a friend is reflective thoughtfulness. It will help us become more reflective and thoughtful ourselves. It's the topic for today's episode, “An Important Quality to Look for In a Friend.”
Before we get into today’s program I want you to know this is the second last episode of season 5 of You Were Made for This. Next week, September 1, concludes season 5 with episode 120. Then the following week, the first Wednesday after Labor Day here in the United States, Season 6 will begin.
Unlike last year, there is no break between Season 5 and 6. I mentioned last year there’s a rhythm I feel when summer comes to an end, and the kids go back to school. I also used to go back to school when I was a teacher for 7+ years. And I can’t get that rhythm out of my system. For me, September is the start of all things new, even more so than January first. I can already feel the back-to-school adrenaline ramping up production in my body.
I wonder if any of you have these same back-to-school feelings.
Well on to today’s programWhen our kids were little we used to talk to them about what qualities to look for in choosing a friend. And for the most part, they did a fine job of picking friends that brought out the best in them, and vice versa.
It’s now decades later and I’m thinking about the same thing about my choice of friends. There’s a list of virtues I think most of us would agree upon, so there’s no need to go into those. But there is one other quality I’ve grown to appreciate in people lately. A quality I’ve become increasingly aware of that I haven’t paid as much attention to in the past.
Keep listening to learn what I’ve grown to value more in people, and what you could be looking for as well to add more depth to your relationships
How I stumbled upon this one quality to look for in a friendOne of the things I enjoy about doing this podcast is getting feedback from listeners and my interaction with some of you.
Just recently I saw a common thread from podcast responses from two listeners, along with one Facebook post from another listener and friend. All three of them stimulated my thinking because each demonstrates an important quality I appreciate in a friend
A friend’s response to episode 115 on becoming more self-awareThe first one comes from Darlene, a listener and family friend, in response to episode 115 on becoming more self-aware. I’ll put links to any of the episodes I mention today in the show notes. Here's what Darlene said, quoting from that 17th-century nun’s prayer I talked about in that episode:
“'Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places'. One of my favorite lines in Sister Olivia’s wise, sweet, deep, meaningful, spunky prayer!"
Darlene then goes on to say,
“Thinking of your friend as he and his daughter mark the first year without their beloved wife and mom. It is only grace that carries you through and into living in the changes such loss brings to the soul. “
Her comments are in reference to my friend Martin, who lost his wife Suzanne to a brain aneurysm on August 8th, a year ago. Both of them served as missionaries in China and Germany before moving to Chicago. I spoke of them in episodes 71 and 72.
The quality I appreciate about this friend’s response to episode 115I appreciate Darlene’s reflective thoughtfulness. It’s the important virtue I’ve come to appreciate more and more when I see it in my friends, reflective thoughtfulness.
Here’s a second example of reflective thoughtfulness from another listener. Two days after episode 110 went live I got a text from my friend Randy in Pittsburgh.
Episode 110 is one about relationships we didn’t choose, and how many of us are shaped by the relationships of people who chose us, but we didn’t choose them. Like our parents, for example. The main point of that episode is Be kind to people who didn’t choose to have a relationship with you, but who have one with you anyway. It will bring out the best in you.
Here’s what Randy wrote:
“Good morning John,
“I loved this week’s podcast. In its own way, poking around at some deeper things I need to reflect on more. It’s been a hectic week, so I’m looking forward to listening to it again.
Randy”
I appreciate Randy’s reflective thoughtfulness.
Finally, here’s a third example of reflective thoughtfulness. Another of my friends is also a listener to this podcast. Her name is Kat. I was struck by several things she wrote recently, not in response to a podcast episode, but by something she posted on Facebook the last week in August during the 2021 Summer Olympics in Tokyo.
Her posts were about gymnast Simone Biles pulling out of several Olympic events for mental health reasons. Here are a few excerpts from her posts”
Part of the reason I'm posting this as I'm curious what people think, [especially those who have studied things like you], so thanks for chiming in. I hadn't thought about the ongoing effects from the sexual assault
I'm interested not just in the individual side of this but the team side too. I don't think if Tom Brady had said he couldn't play in the Super Bowl or (the younger) Giannis the NBA championship due to mental health issues the reaction would have been as positive and understanding. There are a lot of factors to all this.
I don't think anyone here is disagreeing with you or criticizing her decision. And it makes sense to me that it's more dangerous for gymnasts. The more I think about the situation she's in, the more my heart goes out to her!!
Thinking through implications of an issueThe point I'm making is how much of a generational shift there has been with all this. For example, I'm sure my brother, who coaches softball, has had or definitely now will have some of his players take "mental health days," even though that sport isn't life-threatening as gymnastics, except for maybe freak accidents?? That would have been inconceivable when I was playing.
There's also the somewhat separate issue of how Biles said she wanted to address the struggle when she pulled out of the team event, saying she wanted to "focus on herself."
I wholeheartedly agree with the importance of being mentally healthy! And doing what we can towards that end. But I think we're forgetting how much of a shift we've had over the past few years on this topic, elevating it above almost everything else? and also the way we go about it- like saying all we need is time to "focus on myself."
And for the record, I love talking about and processing through stuff like this, so thanks for chiming in
The quality I appreciate about this friend’s reaction to Simone BilesI appreciate Kat’s reflective thoughtfulness in her Facebook post
How can we use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in our lives?
We can do ourselves a big favor by using the good we see in others as models of the good we want to develop in ourselves. For example:
Whatever important qualities we look for in a friend, develop and nurture those same qualities in ourself. Be for others what you want them to be for you.
I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode.
ClosingIn closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please follow us from wherever you get your podcasts if you haven’t already done so.
I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to spend a little more time being thoughtfully reflective, so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.
Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.
Related episodes you may want to listen to031: The Rhythms of our Relationship with Time
071: How to Help a Grieving Friend
072: What I Learned from a Grieving Friend
You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills. If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.
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