GENERATIONS – RED EYE REPORT 229

In this week’s episode of the Red Eye Report, we talk about Generations. Are you confused about being a millennial, generation x, or are you one of those slick generation Z’s--we’ll break it down for you.

With me this week is Ashtray. Ashtray is a man born in the wrong time. He fancies himself as more of a Greatest Generation cat, or born in 1924 or earlier. Ashtray wasn’t destined to be a WWII hero or anything, you see, the greatest generation is also known as the G.I. Generation, and Ashtray has had a gastrointestinal infection for about as long as it took them to wrap up WWII. God help the poor fucker that has to use the bathroom after he does.

Next to Ashtray is Gen X Mistic. He thinks he’s so cool being around the rise of MTV and the fall of communism. Well guess what. You were also around for the birth of Cabbage Patch Dolls and New Coke. So fuck off.

We also have Timeless Teddy. Teddy is like the Red Eye Report’s own version of Alf. For you Gen Zs out there, Alf was a cat eating puppet alien. Instead of eating cats, Teddy likes to eat mounds of Brazilian grandma meat. I know it’s fucked up and weird, but so is an anteater looking alien that eats cats. What can I say, we’re just too far ahead of the times here on the Red Eye Report.

Finally, there’s me, Oracle. I’m a Millennial trapped in the body of a Baby Boomer, with the maturity of a Gen Zer. That’s my story anyway, for when they finally indict me for being a part of this show. A small price to pay to go down in history as a part of the nuclear trainwreck. THAT IS THE RED EYE REPORT.

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