0319 RAISING LAZY RUSS

RAISING LAZY RUSS

 

Lazy Russ was dead: to begin with. There’s no doubt whatair about that.

 

it wasn’t that he was just lyin there r-e-l still that was the clue. Russ could lay still-lack for hours on end, doingnothin tall. But Martyr and Mary knowed he was bad sick this time, on account of he was groanin and all hot n feverish. N then after a couple a days, Russ got quiet. Still lying there, just like always, but he wasn’t feeling so hot to the touch. Fact, he got to feelin just like room temperture. After a while, the sisters concluded he must be dead, cuz he wan’t eatin nothin no more, and he got kinda stiff-like.

 

so, they wrap him up and put him in a tomb and roll a stone there.

 

permit me to repeat: ol’Lazy Russ was deader’n a doornail. That was for sure. This must be distinctly unnerstood, or nothin wonnerful can come of the story I’m gonna relate.

 

meantime, up in Gal’lee, Jesus says to us Russ’s sleepin and He’s gonna wake im up. Then He says, Lazy Russ was dead. We was confused, but we figgured we go along, cause either way it would be something to see.

 

‘cept for Tommy. Tommy can find the black linin behind any cloud. You catch a record-size bass, n Tom’ll tell you the little ones taste better. In Tommy’s eyes, the glass is half empty, and it’s on account of it’s got a leak in it. Anyhoo, bein’ the eternal pessimist, Tom figgures if we head back near Jerusalem, Jesus’ll get killed. So he says, “let’s go too, so’s we can die with Him.” Tommy knows how to ruin a party.

 

couple days later, we get to Judea. Martyr runs out to meet the Lord, while Mary stays behind and prays n cries a while. Martyr glances at us-all with a look that says, “y’all et all my pretzels,” then she gets to blamin Jesus. Well, she was distraught. We’ll cut ‘er some slack.

 

“if’n you’d been here, my brother wouldn’t of died.”

 

there’s a nice greetin for ya.

 

to make a long story short, soon Prayery Mary come and says the same, n Jesus keeps saying’ he’ll live again n they keep saying it won’t be till later, n He says just believe, you’re gonna see something. Then Jesus says for one of us to roll the stone away from the tomb. Pete starts right in on it, long with Zealous Si.

 

before we can get started, Martyr thinks of something real practical. She says, “it’s been four days, Lord. Surely he stinketh much.”

 

Jesus, said, “no worse’n usual. And I ain’t Shirley. Go ahead and move yonder stone.”

 

(now the truth is, Russ never did smell too good. I’m thinking that’s why Jesus started cryin right about then.)

 

anyways, Pete n Si move the stone and come scamperin back with the group. Jesus prays n hollers, “Lazy Russ, come forth!”

 

kin I tell you what I was thinking right then? to be honest, I was rememberin the last time we seed Russ n the girls up in Gal’lee before they moved, when they was in their teens. Jesus n the girls n Russ was racing up a hill, like kid’ll do, n ol’ Lazy Russ, he was so slow, everybody beat ‘im up ‘ere. But Jesus wouldn’t say, “you come in last, Lazy Russ.” He says, “you come in fourth,” like Lazy Russ had actually done something good. So it had been kinda a joke amongst us all that Jesus was too polite too call Russ a loser.

 

so I was thinking Jesus hollered, “Lazy Russ, you come in fourth!” n I figgured He was tryin to encourage Russ again. Don’t know what I ‘xpected to happen, really.

 

but shore nuff, here come forth ol’ Lazy Russ, still all wrapped up in white cloth.

 

he looked like he’d been tee-pee’d, rolled up in toilet paper as part of some college prank. N there he was, trying to walk outa that tomb. Teeterin back n forth with little baby steps, sorta hoppin from time to time, not able to see where he’s goin.

 

I’m saying for bein a miracle, it weren’t the most impressive scene ever. Most of us was watchin, catchin sidewise glances at each other, with little snorts comin out our noses, tryin not to laugh out loud. I don’t think Martyr liked it. 

 

least we wasn’t eatin her pretzels.

 

at last ol Russ falls down, n Jesus says, “that’s just pitiful. Somebody unwrap that boy!”

 

Martyr was already there, n Pete n Si join in to hep. N in a minit, Russ is there, good as new. He weren’t even stinky, any more’n usual. In fact, with them spices they had on im, he was smellin better’n ever, like he splashed about a gallon of Old Spice on Himself.

 

maybe that was the greatest miracle ever. But if i’d had a video cam’ra, I bet a million people be watchin it on YouTube right now. “Resurrection Fail.”

Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus. And people said, "How He loved him!" How do I know Jesus loves me? He wept at the tomb of Lazarus. Amen.