Leslie and Lysa TerKeurst Talk Boundaries

In this episode Leslie talks with best selling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, Lysa TerKeurst. 

Lysa’s latest book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes,” helps readers stop the dysfunction of unhealthy relationships by showing them proven ways to set boundaries—and, when necessary, how to say goodbye—without losing the best of who they are.

Prepare to hear some very practical advice when it comes to boundaries, especially in the area of destructive relationships.

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Takeaways

1. There IS a problem when, in order to cover up the worst of who someone else is I have to bury the best of who I am. 
2. Know your capacity and your limitations. You don’t have to lose sleep, go into debt and be overly sacrificial to help another. That isn’t what  
3. We have to elevate the safety of women. We preserve life first, with the hope that the marriage can also be preserved.  
4. To the level I give someone access to my capacity, relational/emotional/physical/financial, etc., a partner should demonstrate an equal level of responsibility. The problem is when I give level 10 access to me and they have level 3 responsibility. You may need to put a boundary on yourself to give them a lower level of access. 
   1. If a husband has been unfaithful or abusive, that is not being a responsible husband. And, yet, Christian women are told they have to give their husband full access to their bodies. This is wrong teaching.
5. Life Giving Boundaries… Five guidelines for implementing
   1. Take a realistic assessment. What is going on here?
   2. Assess what are the consequences for the other person and for me if I implement this boundary? Are you willing to pay the price that establishing this boundary may cost you?
   3. What other relationships will be affected with these boundaries? Kids, extended family and friends, etc.? 
      1. You must make healthy choices even if the short-term consequences are painful. 
      2. Children are more perceptive than you think and it does them more harm when you pretend things are okay when they already perceive things are not okay.
   4. Plan ahead. You plan in times of strength for times of struggle. Decide your boundary - a boundary on yourself - ahead of time. Boundaries are about controlling yourself, not another person. 
   5. You have to communicate your boundaries. Lysa writes out scripts for boundaries in her book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.” 
6. The difference between a bad goodbye and a good goodbye
   1. A bad goodbye is when that person is walking away we cannot acknowledge anything about that person or relationship that was good. In our heart it’s important to celebrate what is good. You get to choose what to keep and what to let go and what to put away for a time because they are maybe too painful right now. 
   2. Good goodbye. Have “mini funerals.” The end of a marriage is a death but there is no funeral. There is no marked place to go and grieve. Acknowledge the grief. Process the grief. Have a little funeral inside of your heart and place that “loss” in God’s hands. Say goodbye and God be with you. Goodbye. 
7. What has happened is a part of your story but it’s not all of your story. Honor who God has called you to be.
   

Resources:

Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining 

Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com 

Lysa's Resources

• Lysa Terkeurst website: www.proverbs31.org 
• Lysa’s new book: Good Boundaries & Goodbyes
• Lysa’s podcast: https://lysaterkeurst.com/therapy-and-theology/ 
• Lysa’s other books and merch: https://www.p31bookstore.com/collections/lysa-terkeurst-books-and-bible-studies
• Connect with Lysa at www.LysaTerKeurst.com or on social media @LysaTerKeurst.