”Ask Leslie” Speaking Up in a Destructive Marriage

In this episode, Julie Sedenko & Leslie Vernick discuss the importance and the challenges of speaking up in relationships, particularly in difficult or destructive marriages.

The Challenge of Speaking Up:

• In destructive marriages, speaking up can be scary and unsafe.
• Balancing the need to speak up for oneself with the potential negative responses.
• Referencing Matthew 7, where Jesus warns about casting pearls before swine.

The Value of Learning to Speak Up:

• Emphasizing the importance of speaking up for oneself in mature relationships.
• The need for effective communication to build healthier relationships.
• Acknowledging that speaking up doesn't always mean speaking in the heat of the moment.

Guidelines for Speaking Up:

• The wisdom of using biblical teachings to navigate different situations.
• Differentiating between speaking about someone else's behavior and one's own feelings.
• Self-reflection is important before addressing others' behaviors.
• Approach others with humility and understanding.

Navigating Difficult Conversations:

• How to keep things calm when a partner isn't interested in listening or finding solutions.
• A different approach to asking about their perspective on a healthy marriage.
• Recognizing contradictory expectations about marriage and communication.

Preparing for Meaningful Conversations:

• The importance of preparation and groundwork before discussing sensitive topics.
• The significance of speaking with love.
• Balancing truth with love to avoid coming across as harsh.
• Hard conversations require personal preparation for effective communication.

The Five Levels of Conversation:

1. Superficial chitchat.
2. Sharing news and facts.
3. Sharing personal thoughts and ideas.
4. Sharing feelings.
5. Sharing one's essence and deepest self.

Creating a Safe Space for Conversations:

• Understanding potential reasons for a partner's escalation or shutdown.
• Addressing a partner's potential fear of feeling incompetent.
• Encouraging compassion and patience in understanding each other's limitations.
• Comparing emotional intimacy to physical intimacy.

Overcoming Resistance and Creating Safety

• What happens when one partner resists opening up or having deep conversations. 
• Establishing a safe space is crucial. This can be done through various boundaries and techniques. 

Balancing Expectations and Reality

• Sometimes partners have different communication styles and comfort levels. 
• Understanding your partner’s background, upbringing, and communication patterns can help bridge the gap. 
• Recognize that not all conversations need to be extensive or immediate. Patience and consistency are key.

Navigating Disagreements and Escalation

• How to handle situations when a conversation has escalated. 
• Emphasize mutual respect and recognize when emotions are becoming heated.

Resources:
Walking in Core Strength Group Coaching Program: www.leslievernick.com/strength

Love Talk Starters: 275 Questions to Get Your Conversations Going by Les & Leslie Parrott