S1E4 What Forgiveness Is Part 3

Today’s episode is the third in a four-part series called Understanding Forgiveness. In today’s episode, I discuss seven more distinct characteristics of forgiveness.

1. Forgiveness requires supernatural love – what we call agape love. This is the type of love with which God loves us and is made available to us through participation in the Sacraments. Forgiveness frees us to love more abundantly.
2. Forgiveness is an opportunity to reconcile ourselves with God. The Catechism of the Catholic Church # 2844 states that forgiveness is "...a high point of Christian prayer. Forgiveness also bears witness that, in our world, love is stronger than sin…Forgiveness is the fundamental condition of the reconciliation of the children of God with their Father and of men with one another." Forgiveness is the fulfillment of the first and second commandments, to love God and to love our neighbor as ourselves.
3. Premature forgiveness blocks healing. Before true forgiveness can happen, there is work to be done. “The survivor must first develop a full understanding of the moral questions of guilt and responsibility and reconstruct a system of belief that makes sense of her undeserved suffering…” (Judith Herman, M.D., Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of Violence from domestic abuse to political terror). The victim must first determine what belongs to whom in order not to take on any guilt, shame, or residual consequences that belong to the perpetrator.
4. Forgiveness requires humility. A major roadblock to forgiveness is pride. Humble forgiveness recognizes that we are all human, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23 ESV). We recognize that we are created equal in dignity, and only God knows the whole story.
5. Forgiveness requires goodwill – the desire to do God’s will in everything, forgiving the offender with a pure heart. God’s will is for me to forgive so that He can in turn forgive me freely. When I am lacking in goodwill, I may not desire to forgive someone because it seems like my life is so much worse off than theirs. I want them to suffer the same way that I am suffering. It’s a constant battle within my own heart to let go and let God heal me.
6. Forgiveness can be vengeful when we use it as a form of manipulation to get the offender to do what we want them to do. We are willing to forgive, but only if certain conditions exist. I forgave you for doing X so you should do Y for me and an unhealthy, unequal dynamic ensues in the relationship. This type of false forgiveness creates a superficial relationship where trust is compromised. Forgiveness becomes a weapon or a shield with which I am willing to protect myself at all costs. It sets up a cycle of offense and false forgiveness.
7. We cannot truly extend forgiveness to others if we cannot first forgive ourselves. Forgiveness of self requires self-compassion, self-love, not in a self-centered way, but in the way that God loves us, unconditionally. Self-forgiveness is often the most difficult act of the will we can engage in. I will be devoting an entire future episode to forgiveness of self.

This concludes our episodes on what forgiveness is. I hope you will join me next episode to learn more about what forgiveness is NOT.

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Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.