Rector’s Blog, When I Became an Episcopalian - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

Shortly thereafter I moved to Los Angeles, which was about an hour from where I grew up, and started going to the farmer's market on Sundays. I wanted to be a Christian, but I didn't know how. Some people say you can be Christian on your own terms and all by yourself. Maybe they're right. My experience has been otherwise. Community is central to this faith. It would be like saying you can be married on your own terms and all by yourself. It became clear to me that I wasn't going to believe in Jesus all by myself. I was going to have to try to find a church that I could stand and that could stand me. I wanted my life to look like I meant it. I decided to give the farmer's market a break and go to church. But the idea of finding a new church was overwhelming. So I just started driving back to my hometown and taking my Grandma to our old church. The one I had left. The one I didn't know what to do with. I knew the first Sunday that it wasn't my place anymore. But I kept going for a couple months. I still loved the pastor there very much. And I loved my Grandma. Sometimes I'd come down the night before and do my laundry at her house. Then my clean clothes would smell like her cigarettes for a week. We'd sit in the same pew as when I was growing up. The people who remembered me seemed happy to see me. When the offering plate came around, my Grandma would slip me a $5 bill so I wouldn't be empty-handed. She always did it without making eye contact, like we were dealing in contraband. It wasn't my church anymore. It wasn't going to be. I wasn't angry or bitter. I just didn't belong there anymore. And one Sunday I skipped. I slept in. And I called up my buddies to see who was going to the farmer's market. They were all sleeping in that day and I was definitely not going to go by myself. I resigned myself to a quiet morning. A few minutes later, my roommate peaked his head into my room. He and I were friendly enough but not really friends. We rarely hung out. We certainly didn't go places together. He said, "Hey I'm thinking of going to the farmer's market. You wanna go?"