028: Expectations Are The Death of Connection

Expectations Are The Death of Connection

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Transcript:

 “Ms. Campos, I know I am disappointing my parents.  I’ve tried my best, but nothing I do is ever right.  How am I going to tell them that I failed again?”

-Anonymous Teen

Your child has likely felt the same way at some point.  Yep, EVEN YOUR CHILD! It is not our intention to make our kids feel this way, but we do it all the time.   How?  Expectations. We expect more from our children than anyone else.  “What?  No, I don’t Kristina.  Not me,” you might be saying.  Well, I am going to challenge you on that thought. 

We all start parenthood with an ideal dream.  Think back to your pregnancy with your first child. You had high hopes and were full of excitement.  You wanted that happy family.  You probably even daydreamed about your new life as a parent and envisioned your child in your imagination.  You saw yourself parenting better than your parents did and raising a fantastic human being who was going to turn out successful. 

What does “successful” mean to you?  I challenge you to stop here for a moment and brainstorm words that equal success in your mind.  Does that mean to have a good job, make a certain amount of money, or have a certain amount of independence? Then, what does your child have to do to BE successful? Get good grades, not play video games, become a good athlete, be heterosexual, or dress a certain way?  These questions take time to answer and a lot of soul searching, but if you take the analysis seriously- then you will get to the heart of your expectations. 

Expectations hurt our relationship with our children.  Eventually, children will fall short of meeting our expectations, and when they do- they feel hopeless, sad, confused, and worthless. Over time, if our child keeps feeling that they are not living up to our expectations, they can eventually give-up all together, feel unlovable, and disconnect from our parent-child relationship. 

Do you remember having those feelings as a child?  Which of your parent’s expectations did YOU not meet?  Consider reflecting on your own childhood and your own hidden expectations you have for your child, then watch this week’s Bigger Impact Video on Wednesday, where I will discuss this topic further.  Step one is acknowledging these expectations so that we can move into a better and closer relationship with our kids!

Are you frustrated with your child because they simply aren’t turning out the way you expected? Maybe parenting life- just isn’t the peachy-keen reality you were hoping for?  We all feel this way from time to time, and when you get into those ruts- you need to watch this video!  This disappointment I know you are feeling- stems from having expectations.  You see, expectations ruin relationships and kill happiness.   In today’s video, I am going to explain why expectations ruin your connection with your kids and this might be the cause of some of the disconnect you are having with your tween, teenagers, and even young adult children.

Let’s start with where our expectations come from.   Well, most of them come from society but they can come from our aspirations, hopes, dreams, or from our upbringing, or really anywhere where we were taught “This is how things are supposed to be.  This is what things are supposed to look like.”  But the keyword here is Taught.  Expectations are TAUGHT mind-set.  That means, we can change our expectations if we choose.

I think parents expect more from their kids than anyone else.  It is 100% natural to envision a home full of bliss and bonding, but we find out the minute you have a baby that won’t stop crying- that parenthood especially- is not what we expected.   Yet we continue to hope for things for our kids and expect them to act a certain way.  We expect them to do certain things. All these expectations cause a huge burden on your child.  The pressure is enormous and when you keep having expectations- they will eventually fall short and here is where your relationship suffers. 

What happens when our kids don’t live up to our expectations?  They don’t become the athlete, the musical genius, the straight-A student… that we wanted them to be?  Well, this leads to disappointment for you and despair for the child.  Really we are setting up our relationship with our children for doom when we have expectations.  And what if you have a “people-pleasing child?”  What happens when they can’t live up?  If we expect our child to BE something and these “people pleasing children” put all their self-worth into pleasing you because their love language is Words of Affirmation, and they can’t wait to hear your praise and see you proud of them- then when they can’t live up to the expectation, they feel like a failure and go into depression.  Even their journey to get that praise is full of anxiety. Honestly, many children- especially those that have Words of Affirmation as their love language, see your expectations as a “conditional kind of love”.  What!  Conditional love!  I know that’s not what you intended but that is how it is being perceived. 

So how do we combat this?  Step 1:  Identify when you are feeling disappointed in your child and then ask yourself if the reason for that disappointment is due to an expectation.  Step 2: Challenge that expectation.  Why do you have it? Where is it stemmed from?  Is society telling you to expect that?  Let me give you some examples:

Why am I disappointed that my child has Bs and Cs?  Is it because they are not A student?  Is it because I am embarrassed about what others will think? Am I embarrassed because they won’t get into the University that I want them to? 

Or Why am I disappointed that my child wants to have a same-sex partner?  Am I disappointed with what others will say? Is it because my upbringing TAUGHT me to disagree with it?

Really being honest with yourself and finding the answers to WHY is tough!  Be aware that you will likely try to make excuses for yourself and your feelings!   But dig deep and evaluate your feelings.  This won’t be easy, but understanding where your expectations are coming from is important.  My hope is that this self-analysis on “Why things need to be a certain way” will lead you to an ah-ha moment, which then will lead you to surrender those expectations and accepting your CHILD for the person they are.  It can save your relationship.