TU03: Different Sex Drives – Are We Screwed?

Sexual well-being in long-term relationships starts here... Understanding sexuality, emotions and sexual desire in long-term relationships can help keep the fires burning and conflict – or drift – at bay. Unequal desire is normal, but the most important part of a sexual relationship is the ability to communicate about it in a safe, un-shaming way. At times unequal desire may be connected to the different way sexuality is experienced in our partner’s body.  If this difference does exist and is misperceived, couples can often start believing that something is wrong with themselves or the relationship. This misperception alone can be a huge source of diminishing returns for sexuality and relationships.   The rule is variability – speaking in gendered terms is not our aim – but recognizing the differences in sex drives, sex roles and physiology can be useful. Some people do not feel desire until they are stimulated. It can help to start playing around with sexuality, keep genitals or goal of orgasm out of it. Interest + Obstacle = Desire – a little distance or space to feel your desire (Perel). It can help to reevaluate the things that you and your partner want in sex. What are their no-go’s? What are yours? What are their “I haven’t, but maybe’s?” What are yours? So, if no other point comes home, remember that what one believes, how they communicate that belief, and how safe they feel with differences has a tremendous impact on the vitality of sexuality!! Sleep naked and discuss sex, even if you are struggling having it! RESOURCES: Jeff Lutes Esther Perel – Mating in Captivity: classic book on maintaining passion in long-term relationships John Gottman – The Relaltionship Cure, practical advice for couples based in research These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!