Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers
TV & Film:Film Reviews
Well here it is - this is the absolute worst movie we've ever had on the podcast.
Ok so what must a film do to be a 1 star film? Well, first it obviously must suck. It has to be a terrible viewing experience. It has to contribute NOTHING of value to the viewer. But with all those pieces, we still give 2 stars for just those items. Making a movie is damn tough and just getting it done gives it a single star from us. BUT there's one very special piece that is needed to be 1 star - at the end of the movie, you realize the movie doesn't exist. What could I mean? Well think of Monster-a-Go-Go and at the end a title card and narrator tells you that the scenes you've just watched were fake and didn't happen. Its the WORST!
How does that relate to Hell Behind Bars? The "plot" of the movie revolves around some diamonds. Our lead lady in prison is there because when she sold the diamonds, cops arrested her for killing a guy in front of them. Yet, the rest of the film is both "breaking out of prison/getting those diamonds" - including people going through such stupid acts as killing themselves to get those diamonds - BUT THE DIAMONDS WERE SOLD TO A FENCE!!!! She doesn't have the damn things! We see it on screen! And the rest of the movie is about the damn diamonds and getting them.
So there's that. This thing is also a terrible soft-core porn with some of the most unattractive people to have ever been nude on screen. Then the sex scenes themselves are Neil Breen inspired as no one actually knows how to screw. And they are all so gross that if you saw this as your first exposure to sex, you'd be so scarred you'd become asexual. Ick.
Everything sucks. I'm mean it. There's no good here which is an incredible achievement. You can usually trip into something good in almost any production yet they managed to absolutely fail on every level. It should be in the bottom 100 if not the bottom 5. It's that bad. Do not watch.
200 M.P.H. - Not so fast
The Legend of Billie Jean - She ain’t anybody’s lover
Gleaming the Cube - Thrashing the Room
Volcano: Fire on the Moutain - Cortano!
Moving NOT Movies Episode 8 - The last duel
Moving not Movies Episode 7 - Black Bolt should shut up
Moving NOT Movies Episode 6 - The best of the last 10 years
The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent - Broke my brain
Moving NOT Movies Episode 5 - We inch closer
Moving NOT Movies Episode 4 - Its Showtime, Dammit
Moving NOT Movies Episode 3 - Tyler Durden is a flight risk
Moving Not Movies Episode 2 - Sam hates Wheels of Time
Moving NOT Movies Episode 1 - Don’t Go to Wyoming
Lifeguard - Not Baywatch
Rage and Honor 2: Koi’rate
Rage and Honor - Sister Justice?
Gator - Ballad of Bones and Smiley
White Lightning - Drunk Vengeance
Moonfall - So where’s Adele and James Bond?
51st State - POS 51 is right
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