Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers
TV & Film:Film Reviews
Well here it is - this is the absolute worst movie we've ever had on the podcast.
Ok so what must a film do to be a 1 star film? Well, first it obviously must suck. It has to be a terrible viewing experience. It has to contribute NOTHING of value to the viewer. But with all those pieces, we still give 2 stars for just those items. Making a movie is damn tough and just getting it done gives it a single star from us. BUT there's one very special piece that is needed to be 1 star - at the end of the movie, you realize the movie doesn't exist. What could I mean? Well think of Monster-a-Go-Go and at the end a title card and narrator tells you that the scenes you've just watched were fake and didn't happen. Its the WORST!
How does that relate to Hell Behind Bars? The "plot" of the movie revolves around some diamonds. Our lead lady in prison is there because when she sold the diamonds, cops arrested her for killing a guy in front of them. Yet, the rest of the film is both "breaking out of prison/getting those diamonds" - including people going through such stupid acts as killing themselves to get those diamonds - BUT THE DIAMONDS WERE SOLD TO A FENCE!!!! She doesn't have the damn things! We see it on screen! And the rest of the movie is about the damn diamonds and getting them.
So there's that. This thing is also a terrible soft-core porn with some of the most unattractive people to have ever been nude on screen. Then the sex scenes themselves are Neil Breen inspired as no one actually knows how to screw. And they are all so gross that if you saw this as your first exposure to sex, you'd be so scarred you'd become asexual. Ick.
Everything sucks. I'm mean it. There's no good here which is an incredible achievement. You can usually trip into something good in almost any production yet they managed to absolutely fail on every level. It should be in the bottom 100 if not the bottom 5. It's that bad. Do not watch.
Space Truckers - Liquid Beef, cute but not the real thing.
The Forbidden Dance - How we solve global warming
Roar - Joe Exotic's wet dream but our nightmare
Bare Knuckles - Pizza Hut's Bag o' Pizza for 2
Yor: The Rerun
Return of Swamp Thing - Stinker Madness Rerun
Swamp Thing - Stinker Madness Rerun
Dangerous Men - The Hunt for Black Pepper
Conan the Destroyer - You're Welcome, Zach Snyder
Looker - Stick to advertising, guys
Runaway - Roomba's gone awry!
Radical Jack - Stinker Madness Rerun
DOA - Wait, where's the jiggle physics?
Double Dragon - The Power of Robert Patrick's future hair
Top Gun - aka Third Grade
Iron Eagle - Plane Nonsense
The Demolitionist - Dark Angel or Dark Brain-eating Zombie?
Dirty Dancing Part 2 - Stalking Baby and Her Dad
Dirty Dancing Part 1 - Lawrence Welk's Church and Prostitution Camp
End of Days - The Devil IS the Reject
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