Baywatch is a bad movie. Sorry, Rock, but it's true. And it's frankly one of the worst movies based on a TV show. To be fair, that's a crowded field. Many of them are awful. This just sort of treads water among the filth.
That's due in large part to the fact that it is rarely funny. It wants so desperately to be 21 Jump Street. That approach makes sense. Jump Street was able to capitalize on its premise, while also satirizing its absurdity.
Baywatch—despite the wealth to be mined from the show's preposterousness—can't seem to muster the energy to maintain a 15-minute sketch about lifeguards going far beyond their actual job duties.
It's a shame. Baywatch is well cast. The Rock (Mitch Buchannon whose mentor is Mitch Buchannon?) and Zac Efron (Matt Brody) have decent chemistry. They're just not given much to work with. Written by a hodgepodge of people, the film's issues can all be attributed to its mishmash of a script.
Thus, like a bloated body washed up on the sands of Emerald Bay, Baywatch was dead on arrival. It earned $177.9 million on a budget of $69 million—with only $58 million of that coming domestically. It was also lashed by critics, sitting at 17% on Rotten Tomatoes with 246 reviews.
But, hey, a day at the beach always goes better with a beer. So sit back, bask in the sun with an ice cold Florida Man Double IPA from Cigar City Brewing, and watch out for sand grifters! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are staying ready. Forever and always!
This Week’s Segments:
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Willy’s Wonderland – It’s Your Birthday
Black Friday – Not Worth the Bargain
Annihilation – It’s a Metaphor
Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City – Itchy, but Not So Tasty
The Happening – It’s Crappening
Showdown in Little Tokyo – Samurai Cop
Double Team – Spy Island
Firestorm – You Still Alive, Smokejumper!?
Stone Cold – Mullets and Motorcycles
Kill the Irishman – So Called Mafia
Striking Distance – Jagoff Cops
Road House – Our Way or the Highway
Deadbeat at Dawn – Straight Outta Dayton
The Matrix Resurrections – Face-Zucker-Suck
End of Days – Satan’s a Choir Boy Compared to Arnold
8-Bit Christmas – Super Merry-o
Out Cold – Playboy Bunny Slope
Home Sweet Home Alone – Make It Stop
Terminator Genisys – Rotten Member Berries
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