Only 2% of the time is anger a primary feeling. That's called righteous indignation, when what you are witnessing is just...not...right. The other 98% of the time there is another feeling that the anger is covering. Since anger is the most socially acceptable negative feeling we all have, we feel better saying "I'm angry," than owning up to, "I'm frustrated, I'm embarrassed, I feel self-conscious" or other primary feelings. When your child expresses or demonstrates, active listen her feelings. When you see her emotional fever going down, then switch from this secondary feeling to her primary feeling by asking, "I understand, sweetheart, that you are angry, but what else is going on?" Now, that's kind of an essay question, and we know that most kids don't do so well with essay questions. If you get a puzzled look, a shrug, or other noncommittal response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to come up with several options for what else she is feeling. After active listening to understand all the feelings involved, and her emotional fever has subsided, you can then brainstorm things she can say or do to address her feelings constructively. "What else is going on?" is a great avenue for teachable moments.
Teachable Moments of All Kinds
Helping Your Child with Weight Management
Can you choose your child's friends?
Connecting with Your Child, Try Active Listening
Asking Your Child's Permission
Keep Them Safe at all Cost
Letting Go is Hard to Do
Developmental Stages of Parenting
How to Handle the Stubborn Child
How to Handle Chores in Your Household
Building Character by Saying No
What, Me Worry?
How Much Space to Give Your Teen
What to do When He's Out of Control
You Count Too, You Know!
A Very Special Time for You and your Child
Do You Have A Round Tuit?
Up for a Challenge? Say "No."
The Best...Time...Ever with your Child
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