Only 2% of the time is anger a primary feeling. That's called righteous indignation, when what you are witnessing is just...not...right. The other 98% of the time there is another feeling that the anger is covering. Since anger is the most socially acceptable negative feeling we all have, we feel better saying "I'm angry," than owning up to, "I'm frustrated, I'm embarrassed, I feel self-conscious" or other primary feelings. When your child expresses or demonstrates, active listen her feelings. When you see her emotional fever going down, then switch from this secondary feeling to her primary feeling by asking, "I understand, sweetheart, that you are angry, but what else is going on?" Now, that's kind of an essay question, and we know that most kids don't do so well with essay questions. If you get a puzzled look, a shrug, or other noncommittal response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to come up with several options for what else she is feeling. After active listening to understand all the feelings involved, and her emotional fever has subsided, you can then brainstorm things she can say or do to address her feelings constructively. "What else is going on?" is a great avenue for teachable moments.
You Cannot Not Communicate
Dare to be Different in Active Listening
Kids Will Always Test the Limits
What You Say to Your Child Matters!
Maintaining Healthy Relationships
Kids Do Act Out, or Act In
Does your child steal?
When Trouble Comes Knocking
Is Your Child Having a Problem?
Don't Worry. Be Happy
Are You a Benevolent Despot?
How Do You Lead Your Family?
Launching Our Teen into Adulthood
Problems? How Can You Tell?
Tips for Family Stress Management
Should You Fight Your Child's Battles?
Correction with Time-Out
Parenting is Lifelong
Down Time, What A Blessing!
Emotional Fever? Active Listen
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