The False Self: A Tragic Survival Strategy

In this episode, Dr. Ettensohn explores the insights of Alice Miller regarding  emotional abandonment and narcissistic use of the child, focusing on how these early dynamics shape pathological narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Drawing from Miller’s groundbreaking work, Dr. Ettensohn examines how a child growing up in a narcissogenic environment learns to adapt by creating a false self—a facade designed to secure love and avoid rejection in a world where their authentic self is not welcome.

The episode explores the function of grandiosity as a defense mechanism—an unconscious strategy to deny the pain of unmet emotional needs—and its counterpart, depression (narcissistic vulnerability), which turns the pain inward. Both defenses serve to protect the individual from confronting a devastating loss: the realization that the love and support they needed was not available.

The episode offers a compassionate exploration of how this tragic loss gives rise to the false self, a defense that becomes both a survival strategy and a prison. Through relatable metaphors and clinical insight, Dr. Ettensohn describes the psychological toll of living behind this mask and the challenges of reconnecting with the buried authentic self.

Though the loss cannot be undone, healing is possible. By grieving the past and clearing away the defenses, it is possible to rediscover the vibrant, authentic self that has always been there, waiting to emerge.

References:

Miller, A. (1979) Depression and Grandiosity as Related Forms of Narcissistic Disturbances. International Review of Psychoanalysis 6:61-76

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