Are You a Victim? 1 Step to Control

On this episode of THE Amicable Divorce Expert, you’ll learn the following:

1. Being a Victim is a Choice, not a Requirement. Why some people choose Victimhood in their marriages.
 a. Learned behavior from parents’ relationship.
 b. Feelings of personal insecurity.
 c. Fear of losing the relationship.

2. How to know when you’re a Victim.
 a. You give the power of decision-making to your spouse, even when it doesn’t make sense.
 b. You fear bringing up topics to your spouse, like the finances of the family, to avoid verbal hostility.
 c. You don’t insist on being part of the income tax filing, and sign them without reading them. 
 d. Your spouse will present a settlement agreement to you to sign before a legal professional is involved for legal advice, or to initiate the filing.

3. How to Change from Victim to Equal Partner in the Divorce Decision-Making
 a. “I am an equal partner in this relationship and want equal decision-making in the divorce.”
 b. Once you process and understand why you’ve accepted being a victim, your voice and attitude can change to one of Calm Control.
 c. You don’t have to be mean, arrogant, or demanding. Bear in mind that it was your choice, consciously or unconsciously, to be submissive in the marital decision-making. More than likely, this submissive position as driven you to the divorce.  That’s okay; you’re now exercising control over your own life. Using a calm tone, and words that aren’t offensive, is to your advantage. 
 d. What typically happens once a victim leaves their former role of powerless person, and assumes the role of control, is that there is an over exaggeration of attitude, which starts a fight, and blows everything out of proportion. The controlling spouse will be shocked at seeing a different attitude in their submissive spouse, and will become both defensive and offensive. That’s why it’s so very important to use a calm, soothing voice, and words that are just as calming, too. (give example) BIFF
 e. A power imbalance has been created and maintained during the marriage. Once the victim wants to change the power imbalance, that will create fear in the mind of the controlling spouse. A calm tone, and a refusal to argue, will minimize the reaction of the controlling spouse. Remember, that there are also issues from the personality make-up, and from the way the controller was raised, that contribute their approach to a marriage. Don’t blame them. Sometimes they don’t realize what they’re doing. They need help, too.
 f. Lastly, realize that when legal professionals are involved, and after you’ve received legal advice, the professionals will go by the laws of the state, and will be your support system, so to speak, to create the balance that never was, in working with you to craft a divorce settlement.

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