Podcast #12: Setting Healthy Boundaries (Without Going Overboard)
What are boundaries?
- Boundaries are guidelines that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.
- It’s what you set when something doesn’t feel okay for you or if it is imposing on your values (intentional or not).
- They can be physical (i.e. personal space), emotional (separating your feelings from another person’s, protecting yourself from criticism) or intellectual (your ideas and beliefs)
- They can be loose (I’ll do whatever you want and ignore my own feelings) or rigid (my way or the highway in every situation) (--either extreme is not healthy)
Why are boundaries important?
- They keep us out of resentment.
- They help us practice self-care and self-respect.
- They make time and space for healthy interactions.
- They minimize stress and conflict in relationships.
- They help us define ourselves (where do you end and I begin?)
Why is it hard for most of us to set and keep healthy boundaries?
- FEAR of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.
- FEAR of confrontation.
- GUILT or shame
- We were not taught healthy boundaries.
- Safety Concerns (such as in an abusive relationship)
What are some examples of healthy boundaries? (Credit to Kathy Keeler)
- “Yes, I’ll be happy to drive you to the mall as soon as you’re finished with your chores.”
- “I want to hear about your day. I’ll be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes.”
- “You can borrow my CDs just as soon as you replace the one that you damaged.”
- “If you put your dirty clothes in the hamper by 9:00 Saturday morning, I’ll be happy to wash them for you.”
- “Can I give Jessica a message? Our calling hours are from 9:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m. I’ll let her know that you called.”
- “I’m sorry; that doesn’t work for me. I won’t be loaning you money until you have paid me what I loaned you previously.”
- “You’re welcome to live here while you’re going to college as long as you follow our rules.”
- “I’m not willing to argue with you.”
- “I’ll be happy to talk with you when your voice is as calm as mine.”
- “I love you and I’m not willing to call in sick for you when you’ve been drinking.”
Tips for setting healthy boundaries:
- When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, firmly, respectuflly and in as few words as possible. You don’t need to justify, do it in anger, or apologize for boundaries that you set. Try to collaborate when possible.
- Remember that you are not responsible for the person’s reaction to your boundary, you are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner.
Creating a personal bill of rights (read this list and use the ones that speak to you! Author: unknown)
Personal Bill of Rights
- I have the right to ask for what I want.
- I have the right to say no to requests or demands I cannot meet.
- I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
- I have the right to change my mind.
- I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
- I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
- I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
- I have the right to determine my own priorities.
- I have the right not to be responsible for others' behaviors, actions, feelings, or problems.
- I have the right to expect honesty from others.
- I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
- I have the right to be uniquely myself.
- I have the right to feel scared and say, "I'm afraid."
- I have the right to say, "I don't know."
- I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
- I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
- I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
- I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
- I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
- I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
- I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
- I have the right to change and grow.
- I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
- I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
- I have the right to be happy.
~ Author Unknown ~
xo,
Jenny and Lisa, co-hosts
The Mind Your Body Podcast